I've took a little sabbatical from the blog lately. I just wanted to see wether I still had the urge to document things and wether I still needed it as things have been going very well in my rehab. Firstly, the answer is yes I do need it as I realise that I actually enjoy writing which for a boy from Middlesbrough who only really ever went to school for the banter and sports is quite something. I've come to realise that its a good avenue for myself to explore as you find things out about yourself. You realise that its good to get things down from your mind, it gives you a release mentally. Also, recently I have had people say things like "Why haven't you done your blog lately? Ive really enjoyed reading it" and I also had someone say to me "Please update your blog as a friend of mine has been drawing strength from it who is also going through a hard time". Things like the last one just blow my mind and I really appreciate the support Ive had through this.
This update basically is all about the word PERSPECTIVE. This is something that I know most of us in the sporting world lose track of sometimes. We live in a 'Sports Bubble'. This is when you think the world revolves around your chosen game which in my case is football. I have come straight from school into this football bubble and Ive been lucky enough to keep in this so called bubble for 10 years now. This Bubble consists of my world revolving around my game. Eat Sleep Train Play football. Everyday is all about preparing for a Saturday. Nothing else matters. When you win a game your personal high is unbelievable your on cloud 9. When you lose a game your in the depths of despair and the next few days are miserable. Anyway this bubble has been evaporated for me in recent times and I think this is partly me getting older but also recent events that have took place in the last few weeks have made me realise theres more important things in life than a game. As you get older the meaning of the game doesn't fade and your intensity doesn't but I think an awareness grows of its not the end of the world if you play badly or lose a game its all about how you respond to those circumstances.
You are all most certainly aware of what has happened recently to Fabrice Muamba. If you are not aware Fabrice is a 23 year old footballer who suffered a cardiac arrest on the pitch whilst playing for his club Bolton. This shook the football world and also the world in general. Fabrice received CPR on the pitch in front of 40 odd thousand people, his team mates and a watching TV audience of millions and was effectively dead for over an hour as paramedics battled to save his life. Miraculously Fabrice survived and is currently recovering in hospital in intensive care. I was actually watching the game on TV as it was all happening and I felt physically sick watching. I don't know if everyone felt like me but I almost felt it was a close friend of mine going through it. I could feel myself saying at the TV "Come on mate come on, please be ok". Now I don't know him personally but I have played against him and it affected me. I spent the rest of the night glued to the TV watching news channels and checking twitter for updates. Everybody started asking the question "How could that happen to a sportsman at an elite level?". It's a scary question.
Bringing it all back now to PERSPECTIVE. I thought my knee injury was the end of my world. At first my career could have been over. The next thing was 'Hoggy it's going to be 12 months' then after the operation it was 'Hoggy 6-9 months'. Now, as my rehab is going along I cant believe the progress I have made. My knee is getting stronger and stronger day by day. I still have to take some rest days as it gets sore with some of the progressions but on a scale of 1-10 im seriously feeling 10. My muscle bulk is starting to come back and I'm working harder than ever to get back asap.(without rushing of course). I will hopefully be jogging in a couple of weeks and using the summer break to build myself up and come back stronger than ever. This has been a big test for me this injury and at the start plunged me into a place where I'd never been. Facing upto the prospect of finishing football. I know I am basically going to have to start from scratch and prove my fitness and form when I get back playing but I seriously cant wait to prove any doubters wrong and get back to playing at the level I know I can.
Flip all that around and imagine going through what Fabrice and his family have been through and are still going through. WOW! Now thats a real test and for me puts my injury and the whole football bubble into perspective. At the end of the day its just a game and we all get carried away with it. When it comes down to it though there is nothing more important than life itself. In my opinion the health of my family and friends comes above all else. Yes I love the game and its been my life from a young age but anything I have done in my career is insignificant compared to the experiences and bonds I have with my family and friends.
Also I just want to relay another event which put everything into perspective for me lately. This years Scottish League Cup Final. I have been lucky enough to win this trophy with Hibs in 2007 and I know the delights of winning it and all the emotions everyone feels with such a victory. It's a day that will live with me forever. This years final was deservedly won by Kilmarnock FC. However their glory soon turned to despair at the news of one of their players Liam Kelly's Dad suffering a heart attack at the final whistle. It's not really my place to write about it but my heart goes out to Liam and again I don't know him personally but I felt an empathy with him. Its something that breaks your heart to hear about. My thoughts are strongly with Liam and his family after such sad news.
So, just to finish I would just like to say that these events that have happened recently has seriously given me and I suppose the whole Football world some PERSPECTIVE on everything. Yes my injury was a serious one and I know its a long road back but in terms of what other people are going through it is miniscule. This is my own personal battle in which I will win. Football is a game and we lose touch on that sometimes. In reality Life is what its all about. Work hard. Chase your dreams. Never give up and seize any opportunity that comes your way to better yourself. Most of all enjoy it.
"I FALL. I RISE. I MAKE MISTAKES. I LIVE. I LEARN. I'VE BEEN HURT BUT I'M ALIVE. I'M HUMAN. I'M NOT PERFECT BUT I'M THANKFUL"
Thefightback@hotmail.co.uk
Monday, 2 April 2012
Friday, 2 March 2012
THE UPS AND DOWNS
Just wanted to give you a update on whats been going on since my last post.
My visit down to London was a whirlwind visit. Up at 05.30 flight at 07.05 , Gatwick express to Victoria. Victoria line tube to Oxford Circus. Around 1 mile walk to the clinic. Now for the reason I was here. The clinic had changed slightly since I was there last. The room they now use as a waiting room was the room I was assessed in before. I was heading up the stairs to the waiting room(what a difference to be able to walk up them stairs as last time I was sweating hopping up them on crutches) all these memories from last visit came rushing back. I was sat in the same room but everything had changed. The room now had several posh looking sofas in and some beautiful artwork on the walls and some other nice little touches but when I glanced to the corner of the room where there was a bed before there was an empty space. I could physically feel myself tingle at the thought of how I felt last time I was there on a bed getting assessed. I replayed the moment and the feelings all again in my mind and it seemed so surreal. The last time I entered this room there was a chance my career could have been over or at least that was a thought after the first scan results and now here I am walking fine into that same room anxious in a very different way. This time was all about how far I've progressed and to see what the next step of 'THEFIGHTBACK' entailed. A very different experience of emotions I tell you.
The diagram on the left shows how you ruputure your ACL. This occurs when your Tibia and Femur bones twist in opposite directions. The diagram on the right shows the other structures in your knee. I ruptured my ACL,MCL also tore my LCL. Slight strain on my PCL and the blue pad like structures are your meniscus (cartilage) I also had a tear in my lateral side.
We had been waiting around 20 minutes as me and the physio Fiona got there early as I hate being late. Even if I arrive somewhere 5 minutes before I feel like I have cut it too fine. Its a little pet hate of mine being late. The Mrs goes mad at me because I'm always rushing her out of the house if we have to be anywhere. Next thing this face pops around the corner and its Mr Andy Williams with a big broad smile on his face. I literally jump out of my chair and walk over and shake his hand.What a guy! I'm so happy to see him and just want to thank him for what he has done. We enter his room and its assessment time. He looks at my knee which is a little bit more swollen than usual because of the travelling etc. He goes through some movements and some other tests and looks really pleased. We chat about different things and about some little niggles I have been feeling and basically thats it. He says how good it looks and hes delighted with how its going so far and also advises me on what to do next but the biggest thing I have took away from the meeting was his last little warning.
"Please listen to your knee. Yes you need to bulk it up and now try to add some more muscle to your thigh but please listen to your knee and do everything sensibly. I don't want to be saying I need to operate on you again next time I see you because you have gone too crazy in trying to push it too hard".......These words are still ringing in my ears now.
So as you can imagine I left the clinic buzzing as I had some good news regarding my progress. I had thanked the man who in my eyes has saved my career and also had a huge weight lifted from my shoulders in the sense of I know what I have been doing has been right for my knee. I walked the mile and a bit back to the tube station in what seemed like 10 seconds I was flying. Literally buzzing I felt unbelievable and this was only my first check up the next biggy is in 6 weeks time.
Two words to describe our trip down to London would be great and efficient. It was like clockwork with all the travel arrangemnts and we got back up to Inverness at around 16.30 not a bad day at all.
So theres the UP part. The DOWN parts are hard to explain. I wouldn't say I ever really get too down or too upset about things its not my character. I am a positive/optimistic/sometimes pessimistic person but the last 48 hours have been of the more down side. I came away from London absolutely delighted but this thing has a way of bringing you crashing right back to earth again. I'm learning that one quiclkly. I had permission to extend the exercises a bit and push my knee a little further. Nothing crazy yet as I am just over 6 weeks post op but increase the range of movement in my squats etc. I was in with the physios the next day after arriving back from London. The knee was feeling fine but a little stiff from all the travelling. We decided not to do too much in the way of new exercises keep it pretty much the same but increase the range a little so I went through my usual routine and went on the exercise bike as usual. That night when resting at the house my knee was feeling different. Not sore just slightly different somehow. Sounds strange right? but believe me these feelings are the norm at this stage. So up the next day through my usual exercises and still that strange feeling is there. Not pain but strange. Onto the bike and 10 minutes in this feeling has now turned to a pain...ALARM BELLS!!! Pain is a sign. My knee is not happy. Bang I'm off the bike and the physio just tells me theres no rush and we have to be safe and he is right. So off i went to attack the pool as I was angry for some reason. I went at it in the pool. I could hardly walk from the pool to the changing rooms because I had swam so hard. As I was swimming my mind was racing, thinking shit I hope this is only a day or so until i can batter on with my exercises, is it something serious? Another day has passed and I am still getting the little pain its not much but its not right so we have decided to rest it up over the weekend and start again monday. This has been the most annoying thing with the rehab. These mini setbacks. Nothing major but never the less a pain in the arse. People have been telling me that the rehab bit is the hard part of an injury like this. They say this is the hard work and this is the hardest part building yourself back up again. I can honestly say this is the easy part for me. I love the feeling of exercising again and having that challenge of building myself up. I thrive on the hard work so I'm lucky in that way. These mini setbacks are testing mentally though at the minute as I just want to get on with the rehab and these days where I have to come off it because it is sore feel like wasted days in a way. Not in the way of resting the knee because i know thats whats needed and it has to be done I'm not stupid but I guess I have a typical sportsman mentality of 'When when when. When can I do this? When can I do that?"
Anyway I am already looking forward to next week now so I can start building again. Everyday is vital and these rest days are just as vital as my working days. PMA is what its all about.
The Long and Winding Road continues
Have a good weekend x
My visit down to London was a whirlwind visit. Up at 05.30 flight at 07.05 , Gatwick express to Victoria. Victoria line tube to Oxford Circus. Around 1 mile walk to the clinic. Now for the reason I was here. The clinic had changed slightly since I was there last. The room they now use as a waiting room was the room I was assessed in before. I was heading up the stairs to the waiting room(what a difference to be able to walk up them stairs as last time I was sweating hopping up them on crutches) all these memories from last visit came rushing back. I was sat in the same room but everything had changed. The room now had several posh looking sofas in and some beautiful artwork on the walls and some other nice little touches but when I glanced to the corner of the room where there was a bed before there was an empty space. I could physically feel myself tingle at the thought of how I felt last time I was there on a bed getting assessed. I replayed the moment and the feelings all again in my mind and it seemed so surreal. The last time I entered this room there was a chance my career could have been over or at least that was a thought after the first scan results and now here I am walking fine into that same room anxious in a very different way. This time was all about how far I've progressed and to see what the next step of 'THEFIGHTBACK' entailed. A very different experience of emotions I tell you.
The diagram on the left shows how you ruputure your ACL. This occurs when your Tibia and Femur bones twist in opposite directions. The diagram on the right shows the other structures in your knee. I ruptured my ACL,MCL also tore my LCL. Slight strain on my PCL and the blue pad like structures are your meniscus (cartilage) I also had a tear in my lateral side.
We had been waiting around 20 minutes as me and the physio Fiona got there early as I hate being late. Even if I arrive somewhere 5 minutes before I feel like I have cut it too fine. Its a little pet hate of mine being late. The Mrs goes mad at me because I'm always rushing her out of the house if we have to be anywhere. Next thing this face pops around the corner and its Mr Andy Williams with a big broad smile on his face. I literally jump out of my chair and walk over and shake his hand.What a guy! I'm so happy to see him and just want to thank him for what he has done. We enter his room and its assessment time. He looks at my knee which is a little bit more swollen than usual because of the travelling etc. He goes through some movements and some other tests and looks really pleased. We chat about different things and about some little niggles I have been feeling and basically thats it. He says how good it looks and hes delighted with how its going so far and also advises me on what to do next but the biggest thing I have took away from the meeting was his last little warning.
"Please listen to your knee. Yes you need to bulk it up and now try to add some more muscle to your thigh but please listen to your knee and do everything sensibly. I don't want to be saying I need to operate on you again next time I see you because you have gone too crazy in trying to push it too hard".......These words are still ringing in my ears now.
So as you can imagine I left the clinic buzzing as I had some good news regarding my progress. I had thanked the man who in my eyes has saved my career and also had a huge weight lifted from my shoulders in the sense of I know what I have been doing has been right for my knee. I walked the mile and a bit back to the tube station in what seemed like 10 seconds I was flying. Literally buzzing I felt unbelievable and this was only my first check up the next biggy is in 6 weeks time.
Two words to describe our trip down to London would be great and efficient. It was like clockwork with all the travel arrangemnts and we got back up to Inverness at around 16.30 not a bad day at all.
So theres the UP part. The DOWN parts are hard to explain. I wouldn't say I ever really get too down or too upset about things its not my character. I am a positive/optimistic/sometimes pessimistic person but the last 48 hours have been of the more down side. I came away from London absolutely delighted but this thing has a way of bringing you crashing right back to earth again. I'm learning that one quiclkly. I had permission to extend the exercises a bit and push my knee a little further. Nothing crazy yet as I am just over 6 weeks post op but increase the range of movement in my squats etc. I was in with the physios the next day after arriving back from London. The knee was feeling fine but a little stiff from all the travelling. We decided not to do too much in the way of new exercises keep it pretty much the same but increase the range a little so I went through my usual routine and went on the exercise bike as usual. That night when resting at the house my knee was feeling different. Not sore just slightly different somehow. Sounds strange right? but believe me these feelings are the norm at this stage. So up the next day through my usual exercises and still that strange feeling is there. Not pain but strange. Onto the bike and 10 minutes in this feeling has now turned to a pain...ALARM BELLS!!! Pain is a sign. My knee is not happy. Bang I'm off the bike and the physio just tells me theres no rush and we have to be safe and he is right. So off i went to attack the pool as I was angry for some reason. I went at it in the pool. I could hardly walk from the pool to the changing rooms because I had swam so hard. As I was swimming my mind was racing, thinking shit I hope this is only a day or so until i can batter on with my exercises, is it something serious? Another day has passed and I am still getting the little pain its not much but its not right so we have decided to rest it up over the weekend and start again monday. This has been the most annoying thing with the rehab. These mini setbacks. Nothing major but never the less a pain in the arse. People have been telling me that the rehab bit is the hard part of an injury like this. They say this is the hard work and this is the hardest part building yourself back up again. I can honestly say this is the easy part for me. I love the feeling of exercising again and having that challenge of building myself up. I thrive on the hard work so I'm lucky in that way. These mini setbacks are testing mentally though at the minute as I just want to get on with the rehab and these days where I have to come off it because it is sore feel like wasted days in a way. Not in the way of resting the knee because i know thats whats needed and it has to be done I'm not stupid but I guess I have a typical sportsman mentality of 'When when when. When can I do this? When can I do that?"
Anyway I am already looking forward to next week now so I can start building again. Everyday is vital and these rest days are just as vital as my working days. PMA is what its all about.
The Long and Winding Road continues
Have a good weekend x
Monday, 27 February 2012
ALMOST 6 WEEKS
Its been a while since my last update on the 'THEFIGHTBACK'. This is partly due to me being in such a good mental state that the need for me to sit down and get things off my chest so to speak has been at a minimal but the main reason is that basically I have been a very busy man.
I mentioned in my previous post that I have been so surprised at how quick and how much rehab you can actually do straight away. This begins straight after the operation (literally the nurse/physio is moving your knee within hours of the op) and ranges from flexion exercises to quad exercises to swimming and now in the last two weeks the exercise bike. The exercise bike has been a big progression for me. First of all I love cycling and its one of my favourite things to do in the summer when I am off. I just love the feeling of riding your bike out on the country roads in the summer on a nice day with the sun beaming down ( not very often in scotland or Middlesbrough when I'm home). Obviously at this moment in time Im on a static exercise bike at DW Gym in Inverness but never the less the feeling of my legs working again and ticking over on the bike have been a revelation. This is only possible as after what seemed like an eternity I am off crutches. These things were my wheels for 9 weeks. They were my friend for the most part but became so irritating towards the end. It was just little things with them like carrying a cuppa or the fact that no matter where I tried to stand them up they would fall and smash to the floor. So, needless to say that the day when I came off them was MONUMENTUS...The hard part has been teaching myself to walk again. It sounds strange but thats what I have had to do. Little exercises to get your leg used to walking took over me for a good week before I came off the crutches. It has took me almost three weeks to feel comfortable walking again and to feel like I am not walking with a limp.
I have to give a big shout out to my mate Andy Shinnie at this point who is going through what I have gone through with those crutches and I feel his pain. Stay positive son and you'll be back before we know it both built like tanks and stronger than ever!!!!!!
Anyway its now Monday night and I've been packing a little bag and checking in online for a flight down to London in the morning (07.05 flight not looking forward to early start). This is for my 6 week post op appointment with my surgeon. Im really looking forward to going down and seeing Andy Williams as first of all I am going to give him a massive thankyou as last time I seen him I was still in the clouds from the drugs and I dont feel like I thanked him enough for what he has done for me. I know thats his job to perform these sort of operations and ultimately get results but I fed off his positivity and enthusiasm and this gave me a massive boost pre operation and helped me react more positively. So after the pleasantries it will be down to the assessment and this part I am a little anxious on. The fact that my knee has been feeling so good and that I am well within the guidelines of rehabilitation has made me a little more anxious in a way. I know I'm in great shape considering what happened and I know my body is feeling good but until Andy see's me and he agrees on what me and the physios think I'm still slightly nervous. All the main components of my rehab have gone very well so far at this early stage and I know the road back is still a long one but with some positive news tomorrow I hopefully should get the go ahead to start loading the knee a bit more and edge further along on that long road. I love a challenge and this has made me even more determined that I'm going to be stronger and better than ever.
Lots of hard work still to go but good progression so far I'm hoping my post operation report will say. Onwards and upwards from here if all goes to plan but if not I wont be defeated by this and will act accordingly but one thing thats getting me through this is positivity and also the willingness to do the hard work. I have had little setbacks in my recovery so far with trying to work too hard. One little setback started when I was flying through my exercises and went a bit quick and tried to do a single leg squat one day. The knee wasn't ready and was sore and swelled up so I had to rest it for 5 days before I picked up where I left off. This was my first mini setback and taught me a vital lesson. Listen to your body and do everything pain free. If it's not pain free it's not ready for it. A new mantra to follow.
Possibly my biggest gripe bar the crutches has been the inability to get comfortable. My nights have gone from snuggly 8-10 hour sleeps to ranging from 2-6 hours sleep. Constantly tossing and turning in bed has become a regular part of my bedtime routine and one that frustrates me but I guess this is part of the process. Something I have to deal with. I think I can put up with some broken sleep when I look at what other people in the world go through....
So now its a little bowl of cereal before I go to challenge my bed to a sleep fight. I'll get back to my 10 hours one day......
Just to leave you with something from a great TV series called Friday Night Lights (SkyAtlantic people its a must watch so far)
I mentioned in my previous post that I have been so surprised at how quick and how much rehab you can actually do straight away. This begins straight after the operation (literally the nurse/physio is moving your knee within hours of the op) and ranges from flexion exercises to quad exercises to swimming and now in the last two weeks the exercise bike. The exercise bike has been a big progression for me. First of all I love cycling and its one of my favourite things to do in the summer when I am off. I just love the feeling of riding your bike out on the country roads in the summer on a nice day with the sun beaming down ( not very often in scotland or Middlesbrough when I'm home). Obviously at this moment in time Im on a static exercise bike at DW Gym in Inverness but never the less the feeling of my legs working again and ticking over on the bike have been a revelation. This is only possible as after what seemed like an eternity I am off crutches. These things were my wheels for 9 weeks. They were my friend for the most part but became so irritating towards the end. It was just little things with them like carrying a cuppa or the fact that no matter where I tried to stand them up they would fall and smash to the floor. So, needless to say that the day when I came off them was MONUMENTUS...The hard part has been teaching myself to walk again. It sounds strange but thats what I have had to do. Little exercises to get your leg used to walking took over me for a good week before I came off the crutches. It has took me almost three weeks to feel comfortable walking again and to feel like I am not walking with a limp.
I have to give a big shout out to my mate Andy Shinnie at this point who is going through what I have gone through with those crutches and I feel his pain. Stay positive son and you'll be back before we know it both built like tanks and stronger than ever!!!!!!
Anyway its now Monday night and I've been packing a little bag and checking in online for a flight down to London in the morning (07.05 flight not looking forward to early start). This is for my 6 week post op appointment with my surgeon. Im really looking forward to going down and seeing Andy Williams as first of all I am going to give him a massive thankyou as last time I seen him I was still in the clouds from the drugs and I dont feel like I thanked him enough for what he has done for me. I know thats his job to perform these sort of operations and ultimately get results but I fed off his positivity and enthusiasm and this gave me a massive boost pre operation and helped me react more positively. So after the pleasantries it will be down to the assessment and this part I am a little anxious on. The fact that my knee has been feeling so good and that I am well within the guidelines of rehabilitation has made me a little more anxious in a way. I know I'm in great shape considering what happened and I know my body is feeling good but until Andy see's me and he agrees on what me and the physios think I'm still slightly nervous. All the main components of my rehab have gone very well so far at this early stage and I know the road back is still a long one but with some positive news tomorrow I hopefully should get the go ahead to start loading the knee a bit more and edge further along on that long road. I love a challenge and this has made me even more determined that I'm going to be stronger and better than ever.
Lots of hard work still to go but good progression so far I'm hoping my post operation report will say. Onwards and upwards from here if all goes to plan but if not I wont be defeated by this and will act accordingly but one thing thats getting me through this is positivity and also the willingness to do the hard work. I have had little setbacks in my recovery so far with trying to work too hard. One little setback started when I was flying through my exercises and went a bit quick and tried to do a single leg squat one day. The knee wasn't ready and was sore and swelled up so I had to rest it for 5 days before I picked up where I left off. This was my first mini setback and taught me a vital lesson. Listen to your body and do everything pain free. If it's not pain free it's not ready for it. A new mantra to follow.
Possibly my biggest gripe bar the crutches has been the inability to get comfortable. My nights have gone from snuggly 8-10 hour sleeps to ranging from 2-6 hours sleep. Constantly tossing and turning in bed has become a regular part of my bedtime routine and one that frustrates me but I guess this is part of the process. Something I have to deal with. I think I can put up with some broken sleep when I look at what other people in the world go through....
So now its a little bowl of cereal before I go to challenge my bed to a sleep fight. I'll get back to my 10 hours one day......
Just to leave you with something from a great TV series called Friday Night Lights (SkyAtlantic people its a must watch so far)
"Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Cant Lose"
Sunday, 5 February 2012
POST OPERATION
Its been two weeks and four days since my operation and this has been the first time I have had the opportunity to sit down and write about things since my last post. This is partly due to the initial period of much needed recuperation post operation but also because I have been a busy man which has come as a surprise to me. I always envisaged myself being laid up for weeks after such a procedure I went through but how wrong I have been......
I wanted to be in theatre as soon as possible. I arrived at the hospital at 11 o clock on the 18th Jan. So being there at that time and going through the usual protocol for an operation of fasting and only drinking water on the morning I thought I would be 'going down' around 2 o clock. How wrong I was. I even had time to watch the boys for twenty minutes in the Dunfermline Scottish Cup replay on Sky. (the game nearly put me to sleep before the Anaesthetist. Sorry boys good result). Whilst the day was going on the feeling of apprehension was building. As I have said before I'm not afraid of the actual operation it was the fear of the operation not going to plan. What was the surgeon going to find when he goes in that hasnt showed up yet? Is he going to be able to do everything in one op? Has any of it healed over the past five and half weeks?. These thoughts were racing around my mind all day so it ended up being a very long day with Jonny Wilkinson's book keeping me company.(great read and insight into a complexed individual but an absolute Legend).
At 8.20pm Knock! Knock!. Mr Hogg its time. Lets get it on I said and off I went down to theatre.
The next thing I remember after 'going down' is waking up back in my room and feeling a million dollars(Morphine was to thank). The first thing I done quite nervously if I'm honest is look at the leg. I was expecting to have a brace on and my knee to be massively swollen, so as I peered down and seen neither of those things I felt a buzz. Wow it must have gone well. Is this possible? A bit of good luck for the Hogg!
Anyway it was a long night with the nurse who was an absolute legend coming in every 15 minutes to check blood pressure etc and just generally check on me. The following morning a bright and smiling Mr Andy Williams comes into my room. I'm thinking he's smiling thats a good start. He sits down on the bed and runs me through everything he has done and how he thought it went. Firstly he says my medial ligament (MCL) had healed really really well in the 5 and half weeks before hand so he didn't have to do anything to that. BONUS! Next he says the Cruciate (ACL) part of the operation including the graft from my patella tendon went perfectly well. BONUS! My posterior Cruciate is good. BONUS! I'm laid in bed at this point thinking "right come on then tell me the bad news". He carries on to say other structures and little things are healing well including my lateral ligament(LCL) so he didnt have to do anything to that BONUS! He has stitched a piece of my cartilage that was torn but that went very well too BONUS! I'm almost out of the bed at this point wanting to run around. It was basically just a routine ACL op with some stitches in your cartilage. He finishes of by saying "Well Chris I'm delighted for you and when I finished your op your knee is like a normal knee so no worries of you getting back and you will be back stronger than ever. Also if you feel ok you can possibly leave hospital today depending on how you feel"
I shook his hand and off he went. For the next hour or so i was on cloud nine, well I actually still am. In the past 8 weeks I have gone from fearing for my career and thinking I wont ever play again to the great news of a successful operation and looking forward to enhancing my football career over the coming years. The general timescale of this sort of injury is 6-9 months so obviously I am aiming for the earliest possible but also I know I cant rush it. I left hospital later that day and spent the next 10 days in London with my Wife's parents resting up and weaning myself off the painkillers and all the drugs you have got to take.
So last Monday was my first day back in at the ground and over the course of last week I have progressed so much. As I said I had envisaged myself being laid up for weeks after but straight away after the operation I was up on my feet and walking on my crutches. Back in at the ground and working with the physio has been great and I have started a more vigorous knee programme to get the knee moving more and extending the flexion and extension which is the most important thing. This includes Isometric Quad and Hamstring exercises, variations of Knee bends, mini squats, prone leg hangs and other things. I have started a gym programme for the upper body and a core programme. I have got to be honest its been a hard week in the respect of actually moving out of the house and having to almost train your body again to being out and about but I'm on such a high after my op its been great. I'm also hoping to be off my crutches this week which will be unbelievable. I think I might frame those bad boys...
From here I actually feel like I am flying and the timescale of the Injury almost seems insignificant to some extent. I have a calendar with my short and long term goals on and I'm ticking off the days as I go by. When I got told Its a possible career ender I was in pieces for a bit but now I am at the other end of the scale. I have never been in such a good place mentally as I am now because I have experienced the low and now I will never take Football and my health for granted again and also I am determined more than ever to get back playing the way I know I can.
Again I'm not kidding myself on. Already the rehab is gruelling and I know the hard work is still ahead. There is going to be tough days but one thing I am clinging to is POSITIVITY! Always take the positives even if there is a set back I'm taking positives.
Just to finish i want to thank everyone again for all the messages and kind words and also this from Jonny Wilkinson
"KEEP AIMING TO COME BACK BETTER AND STRONGER. YOU DONT HAVE TO LET THESE THINGS DECIDE YOUR PATH. YOU CANT BEAT THE GUY WHO NEVER GIVES UP"
I wanted to be in theatre as soon as possible. I arrived at the hospital at 11 o clock on the 18th Jan. So being there at that time and going through the usual protocol for an operation of fasting and only drinking water on the morning I thought I would be 'going down' around 2 o clock. How wrong I was. I even had time to watch the boys for twenty minutes in the Dunfermline Scottish Cup replay on Sky. (the game nearly put me to sleep before the Anaesthetist. Sorry boys good result). Whilst the day was going on the feeling of apprehension was building. As I have said before I'm not afraid of the actual operation it was the fear of the operation not going to plan. What was the surgeon going to find when he goes in that hasnt showed up yet? Is he going to be able to do everything in one op? Has any of it healed over the past five and half weeks?. These thoughts were racing around my mind all day so it ended up being a very long day with Jonny Wilkinson's book keeping me company.(great read and insight into a complexed individual but an absolute Legend).
At 8.20pm Knock! Knock!. Mr Hogg its time. Lets get it on I said and off I went down to theatre.
The next thing I remember after 'going down' is waking up back in my room and feeling a million dollars(Morphine was to thank). The first thing I done quite nervously if I'm honest is look at the leg. I was expecting to have a brace on and my knee to be massively swollen, so as I peered down and seen neither of those things I felt a buzz. Wow it must have gone well. Is this possible? A bit of good luck for the Hogg!
Anyway it was a long night with the nurse who was an absolute legend coming in every 15 minutes to check blood pressure etc and just generally check on me. The following morning a bright and smiling Mr Andy Williams comes into my room. I'm thinking he's smiling thats a good start. He sits down on the bed and runs me through everything he has done and how he thought it went. Firstly he says my medial ligament (MCL) had healed really really well in the 5 and half weeks before hand so he didn't have to do anything to that. BONUS! Next he says the Cruciate (ACL) part of the operation including the graft from my patella tendon went perfectly well. BONUS! My posterior Cruciate is good. BONUS! I'm laid in bed at this point thinking "right come on then tell me the bad news". He carries on to say other structures and little things are healing well including my lateral ligament(LCL) so he didnt have to do anything to that BONUS! He has stitched a piece of my cartilage that was torn but that went very well too BONUS! I'm almost out of the bed at this point wanting to run around. It was basically just a routine ACL op with some stitches in your cartilage. He finishes of by saying "Well Chris I'm delighted for you and when I finished your op your knee is like a normal knee so no worries of you getting back and you will be back stronger than ever. Also if you feel ok you can possibly leave hospital today depending on how you feel"
FUCKING GET IN THERE!!
(sorry for the expletive just how I felt at that time)
So last Monday was my first day back in at the ground and over the course of last week I have progressed so much. As I said I had envisaged myself being laid up for weeks after but straight away after the operation I was up on my feet and walking on my crutches. Back in at the ground and working with the physio has been great and I have started a more vigorous knee programme to get the knee moving more and extending the flexion and extension which is the most important thing. This includes Isometric Quad and Hamstring exercises, variations of Knee bends, mini squats, prone leg hangs and other things. I have started a gym programme for the upper body and a core programme. I have got to be honest its been a hard week in the respect of actually moving out of the house and having to almost train your body again to being out and about but I'm on such a high after my op its been great. I'm also hoping to be off my crutches this week which will be unbelievable. I think I might frame those bad boys...
From here I actually feel like I am flying and the timescale of the Injury almost seems insignificant to some extent. I have a calendar with my short and long term goals on and I'm ticking off the days as I go by. When I got told Its a possible career ender I was in pieces for a bit but now I am at the other end of the scale. I have never been in such a good place mentally as I am now because I have experienced the low and now I will never take Football and my health for granted again and also I am determined more than ever to get back playing the way I know I can.
Again I'm not kidding myself on. Already the rehab is gruelling and I know the hard work is still ahead. There is going to be tough days but one thing I am clinging to is POSITIVITY! Always take the positives even if there is a set back I'm taking positives.
Just to finish i want to thank everyone again for all the messages and kind words and also this from Jonny Wilkinson
"KEEP AIMING TO COME BACK BETTER AND STRONGER. YOU DONT HAVE TO LET THESE THINGS DECIDE YOUR PATH. YOU CANT BEAT THE GUY WHO NEVER GIVES UP"
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
PRE OPERATION
Tuesday 17th January and its finally come around the day I get put back together again.
I feel like humpty dumpty! Queue jokes of you play like humpty dumpty ……its now been five and a half weeks since my injury happened. It's been the longest weeks of my life. So many highs and lows already. Your mind and body play tricks on you, it's another fascinating part of our human bodies. You sustain the Injury and there is like an explosion in the knee and it balloons up with swelling and blood and you know your in trouble. Over the course of the next couple of weeks whilst your body is naturally healing inside the joint your mind lulls you into a false sense of security and you begin to think "oh wow it feels better, I'm on my way here". You become a bit more mobile on your crutches and things like the shower, going to the toilet and just sitting down become a little easier as there is some movement and less pain in the knee. All of a sudden you pull yourself back into reality and realise how long you have got to go as the timescale begins to hit you! Yes the surrounding components of the knee have had time to knit together and are healing but the main structures still need to be fixed. That is when I've become impatient and irritant over the last couple of weeks. Its undoubtedly been the right thing to do to wait as the surgeon has told me but also its been a frustrating time as I just want to have the operation and get fixed and challenge myself in the rehab and to feel like I am on the way back. I've had times where that feels so far off but I just shut my eyes and envisage myself playing and training and being stronger than ever before again……
So my answer to everyone who has asked me over the weeks has been "yeah I'm as good as I can be"…..but you don't look happy a few have said " well I'm not going to be buzzing am I". Haha. As I've been out and about a bit more lately I have seen more and more people and they have all been very kind and generous and coming up to me and asking how I am. Once again I want to thank all who have done so and I appreciate their concern. It's made me realise that the world does have some very kind people in it!
Back on to the big day or 'D day' as I've been referring to it as. The18th of January has took an eternity to come round for me but I'm buzzing its here. I'm apprehensive about the full ordeal to be honest. It's not the operation that bothers me. I'm comfortable with the process of going under the knife and I'm not the timid type. In fact with what I've been through over the years I'm getting used to it. The pain as I've said before is fine and something I embrace. It's even something I enjoy in a strange way. The whole staying in overnight thing is keeping my mind ticking over though. This is something I don't embrace and enjoy but I know it's part of the process so I'm telling myself " just suck it up and get on with it Hogg". At this point I don't know how long I will spend in hospital but it will be a few nights so that's part of my mindset now, mentally preparing for the stay!. Books…..check……Ipad stocked with films…….check……wash bag……check……slippers…..check!!
My 'prehab' exercises have been going OK and the knee has settled down significantly. The muscle loss on the leg has been scary to be honest. It has just showed me how your body reacts without training muscles that are so used to getting trained and worked daily. I know that this is just something that happens and it won't take long to build back up again. It will be part of the hard work that lays ahead. I'm going to take regular pictures of the leg as I go along so I'll see how far I've progressed. So here it is pre operation in the skinniest state it's been since about 12 years old.
The START
The START
 |
| My view |
So, here I am the night before 'D day' and again I'm like a zombie. I'm in the room physically but mentally I haven't been here for days. Since my Journey down to London began last week it's been building up. Somethings coming. Something is going to happen. I can feel it in myself that I'm being quiet at times. I'm not meaning to be but my mind is drifting to tomorrow and drifting off thinking how I can't wait to get this over with and start the physical rehab work. Build myself back up again.
So I'm relaxing tonight as best I can. I've had a nice little bath and now time to eat and chill in front of the TV. I can feel a snuggle with my dogs coming on too!
Onwards and upwards……
"YOU GAIN STRENGTH, COURAGE AND CONFIDENCE BY EVERY EXPERIENCE IN WHICH YOU STOP TO LOOK FEAR IN THE FACE"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Thursday, 5 January 2012
TEAM MATES
#8
I know this is 'thefightback' blog but I've just read through my previous posts and I can't quite believe how much of an emotional roller coaster I've been on. It's not until I've sat down and read back what I have written is that you see the journey I've been on and the best bit yet is this is just the start. What am I going to be like in a couple of months time? My thoughts and my feelings have fluctuated so much already. Yes I want this blog to be a diary and a chronology of events in my 'fightback' but also I think I should evolve the blog along the way. I am no academic and I am not claiming to be something I'm not but I am going to have a bit of fun along the way, so why not make the blog a bit more fun.
Over the course of the festive period there has been so much football on the tele. Daily rations of football fun it seems. Don't get me started on the english football schedule, 2 games in 48 hours is a joke in my opinion and whilst its good for fans, for the players it is a no no. How can you expect these guys to play with so little recovery between games??whats the knock on effect with injuries, national teams etc. It's crazy and definitely something which needs looked at and yes I know its part of festive tradition but its ludricous to demand that of players. Rant over, anyway it got me thinking about players I have played with and characters in the game I know as I watched many on the box over Christmas.So I decided to do a soccer am esque question slot....
Best player I have played with?.........This is quite an easy one for me really. There has been so many good players I have had the pleasure of playing alongside and I've also played alongside some terrible ones(they would say the same for me) . Every club I've been at has had some top players and I've been lucky in a respect to have had the pleasure of playing with them. I am no doubt going to miss some players out but these are the ones off the top of my head. The first player I played alongside in the reserves at Ipswich Town FC was a certain Titus Bramble. I made my debut against Chelsea alongside the big man and at that time he was the best up and coming defender in the country and was playing regular in the Premier league so that was a good experience. John Mcgreal was also another who I had massive respect for as a youngster, he was an older pro at the time at Ipswich and played in the reserves with me a bit and I used to love playing with him, he was a top pro and great centre half and very much under rated in my eyes. Jim Magilton was another one at Ipswich who I admired. Jim was a perfectionist and used to demand the best from all around him and this showed me what being a professional footballer was all about. My time at Ipswich was full of top players and young players who have gone on to be top players. Darren Bent and Darren Ambrose being another two. Onto my time at Hibernian and again so many good young players such as Scott Brown, Kevin Thompson, Steven Whittaker, Steven Fletcher who all got big moves away from hibs. For me though the one player who was an absolute pleasure to play with was Guillaume Beuzelin. What a player on his day, full of tricks and composure to match. Boozy was a top player for the club and was a fans favourite and it was easy to see why. I used to just give him the ball and stand back and watch him and laugh at times at some of the stuff he did. Overall I would have to say none of these players have made it to the best for me. That has to be the man above. I played with 'Roons' as we called him then in the England Youth set up through the age groups, that was until after the u17 European Championships in Denmark...This is when he hit super stardom. A little while after that is when he scored his famous goal against Arsenal. I remember a training session we had at Bisham Abbey as we were preparing for a game and we were doing 1v1's and sure enough I got paired with him. Even Back then he was a top player but I wouldn't have dreamed him to go on to do what hes done. Amazing! He had to run at me with the ball 10 times from half way and see how many he scored. Now you can tell this was a while ago because he didn't score. Fair does he hit the post, bar and the keeper was pulling of world class saves but at least I can say the now great Wayne Rooney couldn't manage to score....
2.
This question is relatively hard to answer. It's a question you frequently get asked on match day programmes etc, but It's a question I find hard to answer as people in general expect you to say someone from your own league but for me and I don't mean to sound arrogant here but If I am playing to the best of my ability which I have done many times since being in Scotland (not many times I can hear many fans saying) but I don't find opponents hard to play against. Each pose you different problems but I always have faith in eventually getting to grips with them. Yes, I've had many a difficult games against different opponents but that was partly down to me and not them. I am rambling now and don't mean to be disrespectful to lots of great players I have played against, the more difficult ones being John Hartson, Jan Vennegor of Hesselink, Dado Prso to name a few but the real opponents I didn't know whether to go for a shit, shave or a haircut with is these guys below.........
I know this is 'thefightback' blog but I've just read through my previous posts and I can't quite believe how much of an emotional roller coaster I've been on. It's not until I've sat down and read back what I have written is that you see the journey I've been on and the best bit yet is this is just the start. What am I going to be like in a couple of months time? My thoughts and my feelings have fluctuated so much already. Yes I want this blog to be a diary and a chronology of events in my 'fightback' but also I think I should evolve the blog along the way. I am no academic and I am not claiming to be something I'm not but I am going to have a bit of fun along the way, so why not make the blog a bit more fun.
Over the course of the festive period there has been so much football on the tele. Daily rations of football fun it seems. Don't get me started on the english football schedule, 2 games in 48 hours is a joke in my opinion and whilst its good for fans, for the players it is a no no. How can you expect these guys to play with so little recovery between games??whats the knock on effect with injuries, national teams etc. It's crazy and definitely something which needs looked at and yes I know its part of festive tradition but its ludricous to demand that of players. Rant over, anyway it got me thinking about players I have played with and characters in the game I know as I watched many on the box over Christmas.So I decided to do a soccer am esque question slot....
Best Player I've Played With?
 |
Best player I have played with?.........This is quite an easy one for me really. There has been so many good players I have had the pleasure of playing alongside and I've also played alongside some terrible ones(they would say the same for me) . Every club I've been at has had some top players and I've been lucky in a respect to have had the pleasure of playing with them. I am no doubt going to miss some players out but these are the ones off the top of my head. The first player I played alongside in the reserves at Ipswich Town FC was a certain Titus Bramble. I made my debut against Chelsea alongside the big man and at that time he was the best up and coming defender in the country and was playing regular in the Premier league so that was a good experience. John Mcgreal was also another who I had massive respect for as a youngster, he was an older pro at the time at Ipswich and played in the reserves with me a bit and I used to love playing with him, he was a top pro and great centre half and very much under rated in my eyes. Jim Magilton was another one at Ipswich who I admired. Jim was a perfectionist and used to demand the best from all around him and this showed me what being a professional footballer was all about. My time at Ipswich was full of top players and young players who have gone on to be top players. Darren Bent and Darren Ambrose being another two. Onto my time at Hibernian and again so many good young players such as Scott Brown, Kevin Thompson, Steven Whittaker, Steven Fletcher who all got big moves away from hibs. For me though the one player who was an absolute pleasure to play with was Guillaume Beuzelin. What a player on his day, full of tricks and composure to match. Boozy was a top player for the club and was a fans favourite and it was easy to see why. I used to just give him the ball and stand back and watch him and laugh at times at some of the stuff he did. Overall I would have to say none of these players have made it to the best for me. That has to be the man above. I played with 'Roons' as we called him then in the England Youth set up through the age groups, that was until after the u17 European Championships in Denmark...This is when he hit super stardom. A little while after that is when he scored his famous goal against Arsenal. I remember a training session we had at Bisham Abbey as we were preparing for a game and we were doing 1v1's and sure enough I got paired with him. Even Back then he was a top player but I wouldn't have dreamed him to go on to do what hes done. Amazing! He had to run at me with the ball 10 times from half way and see how many he scored. Now you can tell this was a while ago because he didn't score. Fair does he hit the post, bar and the keeper was pulling of world class saves but at least I can say the now great Wayne Rooney couldn't manage to score....
Best Player Played Against?
2.
This question is relatively hard to answer. It's a question you frequently get asked on match day programmes etc, but It's a question I find hard to answer as people in general expect you to say someone from your own league but for me and I don't mean to sound arrogant here but If I am playing to the best of my ability which I have done many times since being in Scotland (not many times I can hear many fans saying) but I don't find opponents hard to play against. Each pose you different problems but I always have faith in eventually getting to grips with them. Yes, I've had many a difficult games against different opponents but that was partly down to me and not them. I am rambling now and don't mean to be disrespectful to lots of great players I have played against, the more difficult ones being John Hartson, Jan Vennegor of Hesselink, Dado Prso to name a few but the real opponents I didn't know whether to go for a shit, shave or a haircut with is these guys below.........
Yes, This was meant to be the day when I was going to test myself against the best team in the world. What an experience it was. It was a strange experience looking back at it as I remember being so angry at some of my team mates swapping shirts with these guys and still being happy after the game. We had just lost 6-0 for goodness sake and I was raging. I was raging at myself as this was a big test and it was one in my eyes I'd failed. Big time!! I'd never lost a game by that sort of score and also I have never been outclassed on a pitch like that. In hindsight I should have swapped shirts but I was so angry at the score, luckily the kit man had got a shirt for me so I now have Pedro's shirt as a memento from the game. Seriously though these guys were unbelievable as a front three. Messi was a joke. I remember him running at me and I knew exactly where he was going, it was the only place he could go so I'm thinking 'BANG' tackle. Take that Messi!!! Before I blinked he was gone. 'Yeah good tackle Hoggy'. Unbelievable player and for me he is the best player ever. Gudjonhson and Henry weren't bad either but the best player on the planet was frightening and it was only a pre season game and he was half fit! Looking back on that game now I still feel a tinge of embarrassment but that's thrown in with a sense of pride to say I have shared the same field as the one and only Lionel Messi..........
Sunday, 1 January 2012
#7
So after me finishing my last post on a positive note I just need to get down how my last few days have been. These have been my first bad days really since the injury (3 weeks ago).
I can physically feel myself fading away. My muscle mass on my leg dwindling by the day it seems. My upper body is doing much of the same. I work so hard in the gym and on all aspects of my body when I'm playing but now I've gone from being a highly tuned footballer who's usual day consists of…..Breakfast…..Gym/Stretching…..Training…..Dinner……Gym….Home…..to literally laid up on the sofa doing nothing. I'm starting to feel it big time.
Just simple things like taking the dogs out or even popping out for a coffee is no more. I'm so used to doing these things everyday and then BOOM like a big fat slap in the face they are gone. I'm relying on the wife to carry things for me from room to room. I'm trying my hardest to try not become too bone idle. Every now and again I'll get up and do a few laps around the house on my crutches to just keep myself moving but I'm getting days like yesterday (31dec 2011) where I feel so USELESS. No energy and no motivation. I can see my muscle mass fading quicker than my favourite jumper after the mrs has washed it!……in all seriousness this is not my style laying around all day and at first I thought I'll be ok and to be fair in the most part I have been but the odd day already is just making me feel like I've never felt before. It doesn't even make it better if I get out of the house because it's so tiring lugging myself around on my crutches and I just get frustrated that my hands hurt and I feel like I'm getting in everyone's way. I get angry at myself calling myself a 'pussy' and other expletives as I think to myself " I'm harder than a set of crutches so stop whining about it" . Inevitably they are the winners and this highly tuned athlete has been broken down to a highly irritable human being……..
I've got sores on my heels as I can't lay in any other position than straight on my back and it's causing friction on my heel and that's the more frustrating thing to deal with. The knee isn't sore at the minute just aches and has dull pains kicking around in there but my heels….well let's just say I laugh about something so trivial as otherwise I would cry. I'm also laughing because I fully realise that I'm not even in a bad way compared to some people and also many a person has experienced what I'm going through but I'll put it this way… When your world is as active as mine and you rely on your body for your livelihood it hits you like a sledge hammer literally smashing your world to pieces!!!
So here we are…. a new year, a new start, everything is going to be different this year. I'm going to do things better this year, I'm going to work even harder this year, I'm going to live my life so much happier this year!!….I cant even begin to imagine how many people have said this already since the clocks hit midnight last night and all the fireworks and celebrations erupted. I have been telling myself these sort of things all day.
PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) this is my mantra to tackle the year ahead. Positivity is going to be the key for me especially for the early part of the year as the first few months are going to be frustrating. Healing after my operation is going to be time consuming but as the year progresses and I get stronger and get back to playing again all the strife and struggle will be worth it.
I love to read sporting quotes/inspirational quotes and other peoples stories throughout history. I find that writing down little quotes I come across a big help. If I'm having a 'down' day as such I will look at these words and I find strength in them. The quote I find apt for today is
IT IS BETTER TO LOOK AHEAD AND PREPARE THAN TO LOOK BACK AND REGRET
2011 is no more and all that went has now been confined to history and for me personally I'm delighted its over. 2011 started badly and ended even worse so lets just say that it's a understatement if I said I was happy to see the back of it. Its onwards and upwards from here. I believe in that and I have faith in that!!!
Happy new year and all the best for 2012 BRING IT ON!!!
thefightback@hotmail.co.uk
Thursday, 22 December 2011
#6
So monday 19th has now passed and after a couple of long journeys I have arrived back in Inverness, a much happier man it has to be said. There are several reasons for me feeling a bit happier, one of the reasons is over the weekend I got to spend some time with my family back in Middlesbrough and also I got to eat a Nandos which is my favourite food.(Nearest to Inverness is two and a half hours away)…First and foremost though the obvious reason is I had a meeting with a certain Mr Andy Williams my surgeon who is going to 'fix' me.! As I mentioned in previous posts I done a lot of research and talking to people to see who I could go to and each time Andy's name was top of the list and after meeting him I can easily see why.
The days leading upto the appointment were like I was living in the sub conscious. My body was in the room but my mind was elsewhere. Constantly thinking about my appointment. I had been told prior to going down that the appointment purely rested on wether or not my posterior cruciate ligament was badly damaged. The scan was inconclusive on the damage as can happen with a MRI. I knew that if the PCL was also damaged badly that it would complicate the injury even more and also the road back would be a much tougher and longer road back (not that it isn't already). The appointment was going to go one of two way.Option 1...I would be leaving the appointment with the positive news of my PCL still intact and I would have my brace on for 4-5 weeks until my operation. Option 2.....My PCL is also damaged badly and I would be going into surgery the very next day.
The morning of the appointment is a bit of a blur to be honest as I was just so focussed on the appointment. I got in the taxi with my wife and George her dad who were very kindly coming with me. Next stop The Fortius Clinic……..Walking into this beautiful big building I knew I was in a decent place and everything was so smooth and efficient. I head into Mr Williams office and immediately I am put at ease by the presence and aura of the man. My first thought was ' Atleast he is a good guy'…..!
We get the formalities out of the way and have a quick chat about family and obviously how my Injury happened and then it was the time for the real reason I'm here. The assessment....I laid there on the bed and all of a sudden it starts to sink in and I could feel a feeling of apprehension coming over me. 'Please god please make it be ok'……'Come on I'm due a break' ......'Come on knee be ok please be ok'…….As he starts the assessment he tests my right knee just to see how my body moves and also to see how my left knee should move, as everyone is different. Now onto the left…he goes through the different movements and really just clarifies what the scan has told us and now he is going to check my PCL..I'm a wreck inside but acting bravely on the outside as my wife and her dad are sat on the sofa watching me..He starts the movement and I don't really feel much and I don't know if thats a good or a bad thing but I'm thinking 'thats not too bad surely' as I'm thinking that I see Andy nodding enthusiastically and then the words come out of his mouth "your PCL feels fine and thats great news"….BOOM….Instant relief and I turn to my wife and her Dad and also John the physio and give them a look and ruffle my cheeks as in to say "thank god for that" they give me the same look and expression back..what a feeling!!
We spend another ten minutes or so talking about things and going over the scan and also Mr Williams telling me what he can do for different bits of the knee and I cant help but feel a buzz inside me. He is like a shining light at the end of a horrible week and his positivity and his knowledge of the knee is shining through. I cant believe I could leave that room so happy… but I did. I am not going to play again this season and until this week that would have killed me mentally but now just realising it's not all doom and gloom is amazing. I'm not kidding myself on here I know I still face months of hard work and gruelling rehab but until that appointment I didn't really realise how close you could come to it all being over……..
So thats me now until the 18th January in a brace and doing 'prehab' exercises which will prepare my knee for surgery and hopefully a better recovery. I have faced a tough couple of weeks personally and also my family have but we are over the negativity and gloom now and just focussed on my operation..the next step of 'Thefightback'!
I would just like to thank everyone for your support on this blog and on twitter and all other avenues in which I have received messages. It means so much to me and has helped in the darkest early days.
I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy Newyear
Enjoy x
thefightback@hotmail.co.uk
Friday, 16 December 2011
#5
Over the course of the week since learning the extent of my injury it has all been about trying to get the right surgeon and the right plan in place to make sure i give myself the best possible treatment. This is not easy as I don't have a clue about this sort of thing. I mean as a footballer i don't want to know this sort of thing. I am oblivious to the the process!! Now…I fully realise i am in such a privileged position in regards of having the support of a football club behind me and also a physio in John Mccreadie who's expertise and knowledge i trust fully. It's still hard and I cant imagine going through this without that. Perhaps though the one way in which i am so fortunate is that I have a Father in law called George. George has been such a major help to me in the last few days as George has been a footballer , he IS a top football manager but most importantly at this juncture in my life George suffered a very similar injury to myself when he was playing at Ipswich Town FC. He was one of the first footballers in Britain at the time to overcome such a Injury and he got told he would never play again..period!! It was 1981 and not many people had ever heard of people getting an operation on their cruciate etc…George managed to find a surgeon who had pioneered the operation and anyway to cut a long story short he came back to be stronger than ever. Im taking great inspiration from him and i hope he knows that his words have helped so much….By the way that was in 1981 and he got through it..This is 2011 and i would like to think we as a nation have learned so much from then and i know for a fact medical practises have grown and advanced rapidly since then so I'm comfortable with the fact of I will get the best care and platform to build from…...
thefightback@hotmail.co.uk
Over the course of the week since learning the extent of my injury it has all been about trying to get the right surgeon and the right plan in place to make sure i give myself the best possible treatment. This is not easy as I don't have a clue about this sort of thing. I mean as a footballer i don't want to know this sort of thing. I am oblivious to the the process!! Now…I fully realise i am in such a privileged position in regards of having the support of a football club behind me and also a physio in John Mccreadie who's expertise and knowledge i trust fully. It's still hard and I cant imagine going through this without that. Perhaps though the one way in which i am so fortunate is that I have a Father in law called George. George has been such a major help to me in the last few days as George has been a footballer , he IS a top football manager but most importantly at this juncture in my life George suffered a very similar injury to myself when he was playing at Ipswich Town FC. He was one of the first footballers in Britain at the time to overcome such a Injury and he got told he would never play again..period!! It was 1981 and not many people had ever heard of people getting an operation on their cruciate etc…George managed to find a surgeon who had pioneered the operation and anyway to cut a long story short he came back to be stronger than ever. Im taking great inspiration from him and i hope he knows that his words have helped so much….By the way that was in 1981 and he got through it..This is 2011 and i would like to think we as a nation have learned so much from then and i know for a fact medical practises have grown and advanced rapidly since then so I'm comfortable with the fact of I will get the best care and platform to build from…...
I have been constantly thinking about the process of the first step of 'The Fightback'. I have been speaking everyday with John about what it is going to entail and what needs to be done. It's not an easy process but its obviously a necessary one. I just want to thank John as I know he feels my pain and also he has been a great help in many ways already, he has helped my family with filling them in with whats going on better than what i can do. I want to thank him now (and Fiona) because he is going to be sick to the back teeth of me by the time we get through this as i am going to be constantly nagging at him for things to do with regards to rehab and also my banter which he knows is limited at times..ha..Its not true what they say about you John!
I went into the ground today (Thursday) to see John as he had some news regarding the surgeon. Its strange because it feels so weird to be going into the ground, the place where I normally go everyday to get changed and then go out to train and now I am going in hobbling on crutches knowing that training and even running again is a long way off. In my mind I can picture it crystal clear, the feeling of being fit and training again…..! It's good for me to have been into the ground several times this week as it sort of keeps you in and around the boys and even having a bit of the usual banter and hearing stories of people having stinkers in training. Seriously though I think this is going to be an important part in the process for me on my road back because there is going to be times when the physios can't do much with me and maybe i don't need to go in for a week or two. I don't want to be just sat at home and feeling isolated and also in another way I still want to try and help the boys in anyway I can. I might not be able to help them physically but hopefully in time I can help them in other ways…They might not want me in ;) but I couldn't care less to be fair…..they are going to be seeing my mug!!
Right….so on with the plan. There is still so many things as i write this that i just don't know yet. I have managed to find a surgeon who comes with an outstanding reputation from peoples opinions i trust 100%. The thing i need to sort out is logistics as he is in London so i need to get down there to see him on monday(19th) but i cant fly so my wife is going to drive me down. John has offered as he will be with me at the appointment but i want to go back to Middlesbrough to see my family, my niece and nephew who i miss dearly and have not seen since August!! Hopefully i can get back to see them over the weekend and it will break up the journey a bit for my wife!!!
In the last 24 hours the knee has started to be sore. It's been ok so far in regards to pain apart from the first night. It's something I'm ok with pain, I have quite a high pain threshold so I am not scared of what lies ahead in regards to pain and anyway the pain is something I'm going to have to deal with over the coming weeks/months and that just means I'm getting closer to the end goal!!! Playing the sport I love again!! The feeling whilst I'm moving along on my crutches is a weird feeling at this point..it's like a rattling inside my knee it's like it's swaying from side to side actually inside the knee. Now…anyone who has suffered knee injuries will know this feeling of instability but to experience it in this magnitude for myself is uncomfortable. I'm starting to understand this Injury more everyday and how its affecting the rest of my body. The reason for why this feeling is just coming into my knee four days after impact is niggling at me. Its the sorest its been!! I'm told its because when your body gets a hard impact it tries to protect itself and all the muscles around the knee spasm and the knee swells as like a defence mechanism. Now my body and it's muscles are coming out of this shock so all the muscles are relaxing and the swelling is subsiding so now the knee is in a relaxed state hence the movement. It's really intriguing me at this point to realise what actually happens with my knee. The structures and muscles it takes to work something that upon till this point in my life I have took for granted…It's something i will never do again!!!
So…thats where I am at. Just waiting for monday to come round. Then I will know what the next step of 'thefightback' will be. It's so frustrating in a way as monday seems so far away to me and its only 3 days away. I have an eagerness to get stuck right into this journey but in my mind it really starts when I get the operation…. When I get fixed! Thats when the real battle starts in my eyes. The physical one anyway as this week has been one of the hardest mental battles I have faced and I seriously feel like I have broke down a barrier mentally in the sense of coming to terms with the injury and also realising it's going to be a long road back. I have seen many people who have suffered for whatever reason in their lives fail to accept it or live in denial of it but thats not me, its not my character, its not how i was brought up. !!! There is going to be more battles along the way mentally I know that. I am not naive.. but for now I feel in a good place mentally. (it's only the first week how will i feel in 10 weeks??I don't know!)…. This week after learning the extent of the damage has been like an emotional rollercoaster and I have learned so much about myself and also about how much I love football and how I am going to miss playing it. This is part and parcel of the game I love and as I have said before I am not the first and I certainly wont be the last to suffer a serious injury. David Villa and Nemanja Vidic recently to name a few.
The one thing I'm going to have to learn along the way is patience.! I fully understand that this will be a key ingredient in my progress. It's something I am working on daily already as it is a trait which I find runs deep in most footballers. All we want to do is play and at times we rush things to get back playing and that can be detrimental to recovery. I have been guilty of this in the past but theres no rushing this one………….
thefightback@hotmail.co.uk
Thursday, 15 December 2011
#4
I just want to say thank you for all your positive responses. Lets see where this goes and stick around for the ride #thefightback
Tuesday
Slept on the sofa last night...I've been fine going to bed on a night I haven't been sleeping great but I have been able to go to bed (fuelled up with co codamol) with the wife and my dogs and at least try to give sleeping a go (i have probably averaged around 2hours a night so far) but for some reason last night I couldn't get off the sofa I just found myself laid watching tele and writing and also thinking about wether doing this blog is a good idea??????
I say that because I'm quite a private person and always have been and yet early on in my injury I've found myself just wanting to write my thoughts down on my phone/computer (I chuckle to myself because what's happened to the good old pen and paper?)….It feels therapeutic in a way. If you would have said to me last week 'listen Hoggy will you write your thoughts down' I would have laughed in your face. Either that or politely told you to F off!! For some reason in which i cant believe and cant really fathom at the minute is I am loving writing and just putting down what thoughts are going through my mind. Will this last? I don't know but for the time being I am going with it and enjoying it.
Do i want people knowing my business??? What if the Gaffa or someone at the club doesn't want me to do it??? These are the questions I have asked myself. One thing i realised whilst looking through my twitter page and the comments on this very blog is that what the hell, why not? If it helps me and even just one person it will make me so happy.
I have been blown away by the support and goodwill that has come my way since the news about my injury broke. I never expected so much love and to be honest didn't think I would need it but even now at this very early stage its building a strength and a desire inside of me that I will need to utilise along the way. So once again thankyou all I am sincerely humbled. I have had messages of support from all around the world, messages from old friends, people i have not seen since childhood and every Tom Dick and Harry, i mean that in a nice way! I have had messages from all my old teams fans and these have been very special to me and I will write about them times at some point. Also I want to say a massive thank you to all the players who have contacted me. There are players who I have never spoke to before sending me goodwill and for me that is a massive boost as its a mutual respect between us and even though at times we are enemies when we play against each other it spells a clear message to me….We are all in the same Football family and even though on the pitch we want to beat eachother at all costs it also shows we are ONE! I have a massive respect for all Professional Footballers no matter what league, as they are my peers and we never want to see people get hurt or go through hard times.
Now, I am the first person to stand up, well hop up and say 'look this isn't the end of the world no one has died here' and as i said in a previous post this blog is not a crusade of self worth. Its about helping myself and others hopefully, who are going through trying times to realise 'NOTHING IS UNBEATABLE IN LIFE AND ONCE WE GET THE MIND AROUND OUR PROBLEMS THEN WE WILL FIGURE OUT THE ANSWERS, IT MAY TAKE A LONG TIME BUT EVENTUALLY IT WILL COME GOOD'……
Right back to last night it got to 3 in the morning and there I was still laid on the sofa just staring at the tele not really watching just staring!! Its now 06.20 as I write and I've had some sleep.
I live in a old cottage here in Inverness and as anyone knows old buildings are not the warmest in the winter it's one thing me and my wife have talked about and also laughed about as it gets so cold in here even with the heating on..!!!!(Hot water bottles and thermals are a must in inverness) anyway as I laid here this morning I'm woke by the sound of my two dogs (I have a chocolate labrador and a Maltese ) coming down the stairs and ready for their wee wees in the back garden..a big chocolate nose comes at me and a big lick to the cheek and that's it I'm awake again. As my wife comes down the stairs I hear her in the kitchen and next thing I know as I'm laid half awake/eyes shut still so tired I feel a hot water bottle getting slid under my blanket and also I feel the weight of a duvet getting gently placed over me and then she heads back into the kitchen to get her breakfast and stuff. That is what my wife is all about. She is like a wonder woman. She's got a lot on her plate at the minute with the worry about me and other things that will be playing heavy on her mind but she's just so kind hearted and it's like she's accepted a mission to look after me and do all she can for me and that's just one of many reasons I love her……
As I'm laid here I can't sleep anymore so I turn the tele on. On comes daybreak and there's a young child on with his family I can't quite hear what's been said as I've got the volume on low as my mother in law is still in bed……(Just a quick word on my mother in law Jill…She flew straight up to Inverness from London when hearing the news just so she could come and help with anything she could….. and that people is what i have got in abundance, a family willing to do anything it takes to support me and that is why i know i will kick this injury in the arse and send it on its way) !!! I also have to say all members of my family have offered to come up and see me or offer to help in anyway they can including my Father in law George who has been a massive help over the past few days on the phone.!! In the case of my Mum and Dad and my amazing Sister its not possible due to work commitments but i know that they are desperate to see their boy and im desperate to see them…I will see you and the kids soon! Anyway back to the the boy on my tele..I pick up his parents saying how he has some sort of irreversible condition and they do all sorts for the kids at Xmas and they have doubled their energy bill just so they can decorate their house with lights so he can enjoy it. This Boy has the biggest smile on his face and just looks so happy and I feel myself smiling at the tele, as here I am laid worrying about a knee, which IS going to heal and is going to be good eventually and this Boy is never going to shake his problem and still manages to look so happy, it just fills me with a feeling of 'see Hogg there's always someone worse off than you' . Now I don't know if that's just pure innocence from the Boy but what he gives me in that 2mins he's on my tele is a sense of perspective of hope and of compassion and also inspiration as his smile has just boosted me in so many ways and he will never know…..
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