#5


Over the course of the week since learning the extent of my injury it has all been about trying to get the right surgeon and the right plan in place to make sure i give myself the best possible treatment. This is not easy as I don't have a clue about this sort of thing. I mean as a footballer i don't want to know this sort of thing. I am oblivious to the the process!! Now…I fully realise i am in such a privileged position in regards of having the support of a football club behind me and also a physio in John Mccreadie who's expertise and knowledge i trust fully. It's still hard and I cant imagine going through this without that. Perhaps though the one way in which i am so fortunate is that I have a Father in law called George. George has been such a major help to me in the last few days as George has been a footballer , he IS a top football manager but most importantly at this juncture in my life George suffered a very similar injury to myself when he was playing at Ipswich Town FC. He was one of the first footballers in Britain at the time to overcome such a Injury and he got told he would never play again..period!! It was 1981 and not many people had ever heard of people getting an operation on their cruciate etc…George managed to find a surgeon who had pioneered the operation and anyway to cut a long story short he came back to be stronger than ever. Im taking great inspiration from him and i hope he knows that his words have helped so much….By the way that was in 1981 and he got through it..This is 2011 and i would like to think we as a nation have learned so much from then and i know for a fact medical practises have grown and advanced rapidly since then so I'm comfortable with the fact of I will get the best care and platform to build from…...

I have been constantly thinking about the process of the first step of 'The Fightback'. I have been speaking everyday with John about what it is going to entail and what needs to be done. It's not an easy process but its obviously a necessary one. I just want to thank John as I know he feels my pain and also he has been a great help in many ways already, he has helped my family with filling them in with whats going on better than what i can do. I want to thank him now (and Fiona) because he is going to be sick to the back teeth of me by the time we get through this as i am going to be constantly nagging at him for things to do with regards to rehab and also my banter which he knows is limited at times..ha..Its not true what they say about you John!

I went into the ground today (Thursday) to see John as he had some news regarding the surgeon. Its strange because it feels so weird to be going into the ground, the place where I normally go everyday to get changed and then go out to train and now I am going in hobbling on crutches knowing that training and even running again is a long way off. In my mind I can picture it crystal clear, the feeling of being fit and training again…..! It's good for me to have been into the ground several times this week as it sort of keeps you in and around the boys and even having a bit of the usual banter and hearing stories of people having stinkers in training. Seriously though I think this is going to be an important part in the process for me on my road back because there is going to be times when the physios can't do much with me and maybe i don't need to go in for a week or two. I don't want to be just sat at home and feeling isolated and also in another way I still want to try and help the boys in anyway I can. I might not be able to help them physically but hopefully in time I can help them in other ways…They might not want me in ;) but I couldn't care less to be fair…..they are going to be seeing my mug!!

Right….so on with the plan. There is still so many things as i write this that i just don't know yet. I have managed to find a surgeon who comes with an outstanding reputation from peoples opinions i trust 100%. The thing i need to sort out is logistics as he is in London so i need to get down there to see him on monday(19th) but i cant fly so my wife is going to drive me down. John has offered as he will be with me at the appointment but i want to go back to Middlesbrough to see my family, my niece and nephew who i miss dearly and have not seen since August!!  Hopefully i can get back to see them over the weekend and it will break up the journey a bit for my wife!!!

In the last 24 hours the knee has started to be sore. It's been ok so far in regards to pain apart from the first night. It's something I'm ok with pain, I have quite a high pain threshold so I am not scared of what lies ahead in regards to pain and anyway the pain is something I'm going to have to deal with over the coming weeks/months and that just means I'm getting closer to the end goal!!! Playing the sport I love again!! The feeling whilst I'm moving along on my crutches is a weird feeling at this point..it's like a rattling inside my knee it's like it's swaying from side to side actually inside the knee. Now…anyone who has suffered knee injuries will know this feeling of instability but to experience it in this magnitude for myself is uncomfortable. I'm starting to understand this Injury more everyday and how its affecting the rest of my body. The reason for why this feeling is just coming into my knee four days after impact is niggling at me. Its the sorest its been!! I'm told its because when your body gets a hard impact it tries to protect itself and all the muscles around the knee spasm and the knee swells as like a defence mechanism. Now my body and it's muscles are coming out of this shock so all the muscles are relaxing and the swelling is subsiding so now the knee is in a relaxed state hence the movement‏. It's really intriguing me at this point to realise what actually happens with my knee. The structures and muscles it takes to work something that upon till this point in my life I have took for granted…It's something i will never do again!!!

So…thats where I am at. Just waiting for monday to come round. Then I will know what the next step of 'thefightback' will be. It's so frustrating in a way as monday seems so far away to me and its only 3 days away. I have an eagerness to get stuck right into this journey but in my mind it really starts when I get the operation…. When I get fixed! Thats when the real battle starts in my eyes. The physical one anyway as this week has been one of the hardest mental battles I have faced and I seriously feel like I have broke down a barrier mentally in the sense of coming to terms with the injury and also realising it's going to be a long road back. I have seen many people who have suffered for whatever reason in their lives fail to accept it or live in denial of it but thats not me, its not my character, its not how i was brought up. !!! There is going to be more battles along the way mentally I know that. I am not naive.. but for now I feel in a good place mentally. (it's only the first week how will i feel in 10 weeks??I don't know!)…. This week after learning the extent of the damage has been like an emotional rollercoaster and I have learned so much about myself and also about how much I love football and how I am going to miss playing it. This is part and parcel of the game I love and as I have said before I am not the first and I certainly wont be the last to suffer a serious injury. David Villa and Nemanja Vidic recently to name a few.

The one thing I'm going to have to learn along the way is patience.! I fully understand that this will be a key ingredient in my progress. It's something I am working on daily already as it is a trait which I find runs deep in most footballers. All we want to do is play and at times we rush things to get back playing and that can be detrimental to recovery. I have been guilty of this in the past but theres no rushing this one………….

thefightback@hotmail.co.uk