As i previously posted earlier these were my exact thoughts at the time of writing at about 11 o clock Monday night . Im being honest and open with it as i think this blog/journal needs that. Also as i go along on my journey i will try and post weekly. I have all this writing from when i started to post so once ive managed to catch up the days hopefully it will be better structured. Im still learning about all this blogging and even twitter so bare with me...
Monday afternoon
Right here it is 4.15 on Monday afternoon and I'm walking (well slowly moving on crutches) through the hospital with my wife trying to find the MRI suite. OK it's down here so as I'm greeted by the great staff there and I go through the door I turn to see my wife taking a seat in the waiting room she just looks at me and I know that face... it's killing her seeing me on crutches and she's just hoping I get good news
So I lay down and in I go….slide into the MRI machine my knee held in place with a brace and the lady says this should take 20mins....headphones on listening to some radio 1 and the noise of the machine begins its not a nice place to be . Anyone that has had a scan will know its an uncomfortable experience where you have to lay completely still for however long it takes and it can feel very claustrophobic but this time it feels weird...my body is relaxed and I don't feel a thing in my knee ,fair does i cant move my knee but you got to have hope. So as I lay there I'm praying that the damage done isn't as bad as what I and the physios fear...I already know its a bad one as on simple tests I already know I've ruptured my MCL(medial collateral ligament) so I know I'll be out for a long while. Im thinking 3 months at this point as im a optimist and even the thought of that is killing me…..In what seems like 10 minutes the scan is done..
Very kindly the person who reads the scans (This is meant as no disrespect but i cant remember your name fully) Mr Millar has very kindly come in whilst he is off work to read the scans..he calls me into the room and instantly by his face and the other people in the room I know it's not good news..he sits me down and runs me through the scan and explains everything in a way only doctors can. I want to thank him for that as his expertise and his bluntness in a way made the point to me in just the way I like it ..straight down the line with no sugar coating! I respect that. Not to bore you with the details but it's the worst case scenario for anyone never mind a footballer...ruptured MCL-torn LCL-torn ACL(cruciate) damage to my cartilage and other bits of damage which are insignificant compared to the major structures I've just named! It seems like I'm looking at someone else's knee on the screen and there's a numbness as the news of the words "I've seen people come back from this" are spoken in a hesitant tone. I just turn around and say "I'll be back there's no doubt it's just a matter of time" the words I'm speaking don't seem real...
As I come out I see my wife. I just say yeah it was ok go get the car and I'll see out the front. as I see her running off I know she knows what has just happened she just knows. My wife is the most amazing person and we know each other inside out so I know she's trying to be strong for me but I know she's worried..anyway as I hobble outside on my crutches it starts to dawn on me what I've just heard. I can feel my eyes welling up with tears and I've got thoughts in my head of 'I might not play again'….'What am i going to do'….'Fucking hell this is it'….'surely they read it wrong'...'Its not that bad'….as i thought that last one i went to put all my weight through my left knee to prove to myself it wasn't that bad. Big Big mistake!!! As i done that i nearly crumpled to the floor outside the hospital if i never still had hold of my crutches i would have been in a heap, my knee wobbled all over the place and the pain was horrendous.!
I jump into the car and tell the mrs it's worst case scenario and she just drives and being the woman she is tries to comfort me with words of 'we will beat this' and 'we will come through anything'.. I pull my hood over my face turning my face away from my wife and start to cry..I'm trying not to let on I'm crying but you know how it is when your crying you can't keep it in im trying to be this big, tough guy and then all of a sudden I just let a yell out and the tears came flooding I was screaming "fucking hell" at the top of my voice and bawling my eyes out . My wife's hand comes across onto my knee and it makes me worse and I let out another cry...Now… that people was the 1st time I have ever cried in front of my wife and I know it hurt her more than anything to see the man she loves cry like a baby! I wish i didnt have to put her through that. I like to think I'm a strong man well I know I'm a STRONG man I will deal with anything that life throws at me and my family and I am my wife's rock as she is mine but that car journey was hard and the worst bit yet is I haven't even told my Mam and Dad yet..Who ever knows me knows that my family are everything to me and my Dad is well my Dad but he's like my best mate and we have a bond that will never break but I know he worries about me at the best of times never mind at a time like this. I know this news of his boy with a smashed up knee and with the prospect of never getting back is gonna kill him!! To make it worse he has just recently given up smoking around 2 and half weeks ago and im so proud of him as he has smoked since he was around 10 years old (must have been the 'cool' thing to do in Middlesbrough at the time. Sorry Fath.ha)so now im hoping i don't drive him back to the fags!
My wife steps up to plate again and when we get home she rings my family to tell them the news as at that time as im in pieces and couldn't face hearing my family upset..I spoke to them later that night!!
For me that initial hour after being told the news its a bad injury and the details of it was the worst I've ever experienced but after that hour or so I said to the mrs right that's it no more tears no more negativity I need to tackle this head on!!
I can deal with the situation to a certain extent. The long lay off , the Pain, the gruelling rehab. I even thrive on the rehab because I'll know I'm on the way back and it's a challenge that's been laid down by god it seems and I know I will give it everything I have to beat it …..
love that you're doing this,had me in tears.I really hope you get back to full fitness and back to what you love to do. Good luck and keep your chin up :)
ReplyDeleteHoggs mate feel for you but knowing you. You will come back from this your one of lifes warriors a great guy and great player. Your character will get you thru this and you will be successful once again. Admire what your doing and it will help you mate there were times when i felt like bursting when i was injured and doing somthing like this will help. I dont forget how you helped me when i went thru my injurys so if ur looking for someone who has been there gives a bell. Stay strong and keep fighting.
ReplyDeleteHogga,
ReplyDeleteits your bro in law. ill start by saying how shocked i was when your sister told me you were doing the blog... i didnt know footballers could write let alone use a computer. jokes aside. i think it is admirable what you are doing. there are certainly some hard times ahead and i think many people will benefit from reading how you cope and what you may do differently in your rehab.
you will get through this and you will play again.. i can say this because i know you... and know how dedicated you have been to the sport all your life.. this is just another hurdle on the hard path you chose..
good luck with the surgery..
your nephew is sat next to me while i type this, he says he loves you and cant wait to see you..
Dave B
I am an Ipswich fan who himself has suffered numerous knee injuries (detached ACL, cartliage, ligament damage etc.) so I had a few wry smiles as I related to your scan etc. I never came close to reaching pro football levels so I appreciate how much you have on the line but stay strong though fella, sounds like you have a great family and you can come back from this. It will take hard work and focus, there is absolutely no shame in crying but there is in feeling sorry for yourself and losing motivation. I wil follow your blog, I did one when I did the marathon (I wasn't in great shape at the start) and it was fantastic looking back over the honest comments i made about myself and my family and realising how far I had come in that journey. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAye it'll be hard but you will do it! Love what you've written already, keep it up, will be good therapy for you. Good luck from a Caley Thistle fan xxx
ReplyDeleteHope you can get over this Hoggy, really gutted for you! Not many pro's like you left that give everything for the club.
ReplyDeleteGood luck from every Hibernian fan!
Stay strong Hoggy GGTTH
ReplyDeleteStay strong mate ! Its going to be hard but your going to get through this and we are all behind you!
ReplyDeleteKeep strong and keep fighting because I know that you are gonna get through this and I am going to see you playing in a caley shirt again !
All the best!
Horrible news Hoggy but I know from watching you play for Hibs that you have the determination and fight to get through this. Keep battling and don't let it defeat you. Good luck mate, hope to see you back on the pitch as soon as possible x
ReplyDeleteAll the best fella. Your hibees family are all rooting for you - and you'll come back from this.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck Chris - looking forward to following you through your recovery x
ReplyDeleteYou were always such a professional at Hibs and that same attitude will get you through this terrible time. Never forget the good times - March 2007 being right up there with the very best times in football - as they will only serve to remind you that you have so much still to achieve and so much more to give.
ReplyDeleteThe Hibees Family are right behind you and sending every best wish.
All the best of luck with the recovery Hoggy. Thousands of us at Easter Road will be rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteYou keep blogging and we'll keep reading.
Really moving post, Chris. Just keeping thinking positive! The worst is behind you and always remember that players often dont just come back from career threatening injuries, but come back even better.
ReplyDeleteVan Nistelrooy & Larsson for example. Two of the best strikers the UK has seen in recent times whose careers really took off after horrendous injuries!
Mikey
Hey man, loving the blog so far, will be checking back every few days to see your progress.
ReplyDeleteAll the best man.
PS any chance of changing the grey text on black background colour scheme? It's a wee bit hard on the eyes!
All the best Hoggy, met you a few times when you were at Hibs, and you always took the time out to talk to the fans, a top bloke. done my ACL twice when I was 19 as an amatuer so know the pain you are going through. Keep strong Hoggy, you will be back, good luck to you and your family.
ReplyDeletePart of Hibernians history. A cup winner and a leader.
Hoggy boy, as a hibs fan I experienced many years of your serving my club. You did so well and the cup win was delightful. I hope your pain is slight and recovery fast. Godspeed son!
ReplyDeleteChris, Lynne here (Mathew's Mom). Just heard about your injury and found this through the HibsNet. As you know, we have not had it easy this past few years - but we got there against the odds. Mathew too, as you know, has not had it easy, but he got there. Yes there have been many setbacks, but with sure determination and positiveness, we all got through the blips we encountered. If anyone can do it you can, your support to Mathew and myself were greatly appreciated and will not be forgotten. It will not be easy and with every one step forward, there will be two steps back. But each baby step in your road to recovery, will be achieved. With the support of your wife and family, you will not be doing this alone. We have faith in you too, and you will deal with whatever comes your way. You too are made of strong stough, even on your darkest day during your operation, recovery and rehab, you will not give up, even though you may feel like it sometime. Just take care and as Mathew would say, do as you are told! LOL! Let us know how you are and you know how to contact us. Best wishes to you, you will be fine! Regards The Moir Clan from Edinburgh (Hibbees)
ReplyDeleteAll the best Hoggy. you were always the strong and committed player at Easter Road, The attitude and commitment you had at Hibs will get you through this hard time. Keep the chin up and good luck in your recovery.
ReplyDeleteJames
I wish you every good fortune in this Chris, and I'm sure every ICT fan does too. Look forward to seeing you back next season. Keep blogging, it's the only way that you'll know how far you have reached on your journey
ReplyDeleteGutted for you Hoggy. You'd run through a brick wall as a footballer! Looking forward to seeing you on the field again!
ReplyDeleteIt's sickening to read about the extent of your injuries Chris but you seem to be a very positive person and I wish you a steady recovery and hope to see you back on the park when the time is right. Great idea to put your feelings and reactions down in type for others to read, it's heartbreaking enough for us to read, and it must be ten times worse for you to go through this, but along with the strength from your own family you will come through this. It won't be easy, I think you know this, let's hope it all works out for you.
ReplyDeleteGood to see Kev McCann commenting on this, top man!
ReplyDeleteI've been a season ticket holder at Easter Road for years and followed you're whole spell with us. A more committed player you will never find, you always wear you're heart on you're sleeve on the pitch and I'm sure that attitude will get you through this!
Also, massive respect for doing this blog, I'm not sure there's many footballers out there who would take the time to do this.
Good luck in you're recovery, keep the chin up!