#6

So monday 19th has now passed and after a couple of long journeys I have arrived back in Inverness, a much happier man it has to be said. There are several reasons for me feeling a bit happier, one of the reasons is over the weekend I got to spend some time with my family back in Middlesbrough and also I got to eat a Nandos which is my favourite food.(Nearest to Inverness is two and a half hours away)…First and foremost though the obvious reason is I had a meeting with a certain Mr Andy Williams my surgeon who is going to 'fix' me.! As I mentioned in previous posts I done a lot of research and talking to people to see who I could go to and each time Andy's name was top of the list and after meeting him I can easily see why.

The days leading upto the appointment were like I was living in the sub conscious. My body was in the room but my mind was elsewhere. Constantly thinking about my appointment. I had been told prior to going down that the appointment purely rested on wether or not my posterior cruciate ligament was badly damaged. The scan was inconclusive on the damage as can happen with a MRI. I knew that if the PCL was also damaged badly that it would complicate the injury even more and also the road back would be a much tougher and longer road back (not that it isn't already). The appointment was going to go one of two way.Option 1...I would be leaving the appointment with the positive news of my PCL still intact and I would have my brace on for 4-5 weeks until my operation. Option 2.....My PCL is also damaged badly and I would be going into surgery the very next day.

The morning of the appointment is a bit of a blur to be honest as I was just so focussed on the appointment. I got in the taxi with my wife and George her dad who were very kindly coming with me. Next stop The Fortius Clinic……..Walking into this beautiful big building I knew I was in a decent place and everything was so smooth and efficient. I head into Mr Williams office and immediately I am put at ease by the presence and aura of the man. My first thought was ' Atleast he is a good guy'…..!

We get the formalities out of the way and have a quick chat about family and obviously how my Injury happened and then it was the time for the real reason I'm here. The assessment....I laid there on the bed and all of a sudden it starts to sink in and I could feel a feeling of apprehension coming over me. 'Please god please make it be ok'……'Come on I'm due a break' ......'Come on knee be ok please be ok'…….As he starts the assessment he tests my right knee just to see how my body moves and also to see how my left knee should move, as everyone is different. Now onto the left…he goes through the different movements and really just clarifies what the scan has told us and now he is going to check my PCL..I'm a wreck inside but acting bravely on the outside as my wife and her dad are sat on the sofa watching me..He starts the movement and I don't really feel much and I don't know if thats a good or a bad thing but I'm thinking 'thats not too bad surely'  as I'm thinking that I see Andy nodding enthusiastically and then the words come out of his mouth "your PCL feels fine and thats great news"….BOOM….Instant relief and I turn to my wife and her Dad and also John the physio and give them a look and ruffle my cheeks as in to say "thank god for that" they give me the same look and expression back..what a feeling!! 

We spend another ten minutes or so talking about things and going over the scan and also Mr Williams telling me what he can do for different bits of the knee and I cant help but feel a buzz inside me. He is like a shining light at the end of a horrible week and his positivity and his knowledge of the knee is shining through. I cant believe I could leave that room so happy… but I did. I am not going to play again this season and until this week that would have killed me mentally but now just realising it's not all doom and gloom is amazing. I'm not kidding myself on here I know I still face months of hard work and gruelling rehab but until that appointment I didn't really realise how close you could come to it all being over……..

So thats me now until the 18th January in a brace and doing 'prehab' exercises which will prepare my knee for surgery and hopefully a better recovery. I have faced a tough couple of weeks personally and also my family have but we are over the negativity and gloom now and just focussed on my operation..the next step of 'Thefightback'!

I would just like to thank everyone for your support on this blog and on twitter and all other avenues in which I have received messages. It means so much to me and has helped in the darkest early days.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy Newyear

Enjoy x

thefightback@hotmail.co.uk

#5


Over the course of the week since learning the extent of my injury it has all been about trying to get the right surgeon and the right plan in place to make sure i give myself the best possible treatment. This is not easy as I don't have a clue about this sort of thing. I mean as a footballer i don't want to know this sort of thing. I am oblivious to the the process!! Now…I fully realise i am in such a privileged position in regards of having the support of a football club behind me and also a physio in John Mccreadie who's expertise and knowledge i trust fully. It's still hard and I cant imagine going through this without that. Perhaps though the one way in which i am so fortunate is that I have a Father in law called George. George has been such a major help to me in the last few days as George has been a footballer , he IS a top football manager but most importantly at this juncture in my life George suffered a very similar injury to myself when he was playing at Ipswich Town FC. He was one of the first footballers in Britain at the time to overcome such a Injury and he got told he would never play again..period!! It was 1981 and not many people had ever heard of people getting an operation on their cruciate etc…George managed to find a surgeon who had pioneered the operation and anyway to cut a long story short he came back to be stronger than ever. Im taking great inspiration from him and i hope he knows that his words have helped so much….By the way that was in 1981 and he got through it..This is 2011 and i would like to think we as a nation have learned so much from then and i know for a fact medical practises have grown and advanced rapidly since then so I'm comfortable with the fact of I will get the best care and platform to build from…...

I have been constantly thinking about the process of the first step of 'The Fightback'. I have been speaking everyday with John about what it is going to entail and what needs to be done. It's not an easy process but its obviously a necessary one. I just want to thank John as I know he feels my pain and also he has been a great help in many ways already, he has helped my family with filling them in with whats going on better than what i can do. I want to thank him now (and Fiona) because he is going to be sick to the back teeth of me by the time we get through this as i am going to be constantly nagging at him for things to do with regards to rehab and also my banter which he knows is limited at times..ha..Its not true what they say about you John!

I went into the ground today (Thursday) to see John as he had some news regarding the surgeon. Its strange because it feels so weird to be going into the ground, the place where I normally go everyday to get changed and then go out to train and now I am going in hobbling on crutches knowing that training and even running again is a long way off. In my mind I can picture it crystal clear, the feeling of being fit and training again…..! It's good for me to have been into the ground several times this week as it sort of keeps you in and around the boys and even having a bit of the usual banter and hearing stories of people having stinkers in training. Seriously though I think this is going to be an important part in the process for me on my road back because there is going to be times when the physios can't do much with me and maybe i don't need to go in for a week or two. I don't want to be just sat at home and feeling isolated and also in another way I still want to try and help the boys in anyway I can. I might not be able to help them physically but hopefully in time I can help them in other ways…They might not want me in ;) but I couldn't care less to be fair…..they are going to be seeing my mug!!

Right….so on with the plan. There is still so many things as i write this that i just don't know yet. I have managed to find a surgeon who comes with an outstanding reputation from peoples opinions i trust 100%. The thing i need to sort out is logistics as he is in London so i need to get down there to see him on monday(19th) but i cant fly so my wife is going to drive me down. John has offered as he will be with me at the appointment but i want to go back to Middlesbrough to see my family, my niece and nephew who i miss dearly and have not seen since August!!  Hopefully i can get back to see them over the weekend and it will break up the journey a bit for my wife!!!

In the last 24 hours the knee has started to be sore. It's been ok so far in regards to pain apart from the first night. It's something I'm ok with pain, I have quite a high pain threshold so I am not scared of what lies ahead in regards to pain and anyway the pain is something I'm going to have to deal with over the coming weeks/months and that just means I'm getting closer to the end goal!!! Playing the sport I love again!! The feeling whilst I'm moving along on my crutches is a weird feeling at this point..it's like a rattling inside my knee it's like it's swaying from side to side actually inside the knee. Now…anyone who has suffered knee injuries will know this feeling of instability but to experience it in this magnitude for myself is uncomfortable. I'm starting to understand this Injury more everyday and how its affecting the rest of my body. The reason for why this feeling is just coming into my knee four days after impact is niggling at me. Its the sorest its been!! I'm told its because when your body gets a hard impact it tries to protect itself and all the muscles around the knee spasm and the knee swells as like a defence mechanism. Now my body and it's muscles are coming out of this shock so all the muscles are relaxing and the swelling is subsiding so now the knee is in a relaxed state hence the movement‏. It's really intriguing me at this point to realise what actually happens with my knee. The structures and muscles it takes to work something that upon till this point in my life I have took for granted…It's something i will never do again!!!

So…thats where I am at. Just waiting for monday to come round. Then I will know what the next step of 'thefightback' will be. It's so frustrating in a way as monday seems so far away to me and its only 3 days away. I have an eagerness to get stuck right into this journey but in my mind it really starts when I get the operation…. When I get fixed! Thats when the real battle starts in my eyes. The physical one anyway as this week has been one of the hardest mental battles I have faced and I seriously feel like I have broke down a barrier mentally in the sense of coming to terms with the injury and also realising it's going to be a long road back. I have seen many people who have suffered for whatever reason in their lives fail to accept it or live in denial of it but thats not me, its not my character, its not how i was brought up. !!! There is going to be more battles along the way mentally I know that. I am not naive.. but for now I feel in a good place mentally. (it's only the first week how will i feel in 10 weeks??I don't know!)…. This week after learning the extent of the damage has been like an emotional rollercoaster and I have learned so much about myself and also about how much I love football and how I am going to miss playing it. This is part and parcel of the game I love and as I have said before I am not the first and I certainly wont be the last to suffer a serious injury. David Villa and Nemanja Vidic recently to name a few.

The one thing I'm going to have to learn along the way is patience.! I fully understand that this will be a key ingredient in my progress. It's something I am working on daily already as it is a trait which I find runs deep in most footballers. All we want to do is play and at times we rush things to get back playing and that can be detrimental to recovery. I have been guilty of this in the past but theres no rushing this one………….

thefightback@hotmail.co.uk

#4

I just want to say thank you for all your positive responses. Lets see where this goes and stick around for the ride #thefightback

Tuesday

Slept on the sofa last night...I've been fine going to bed on a night I haven't been sleeping great but I have been able to go to bed (fuelled up with co codamol) with the wife and my dogs and at least try to give sleeping a go (i have probably averaged around 2hours a night so far) but for some reason last night I couldn't get off the sofa I just found myself laid watching tele and writing and also thinking about wether doing this blog is a good idea??????

I say that because I'm quite a private person and always have been and yet early on in my injury I've found myself just wanting to write my thoughts down on my phone/computer (I chuckle to myself because what's happened to the good old pen and paper?)….It feels therapeutic in a way. If you would have said to me last week 'listen Hoggy will you write your thoughts down' I would have laughed in your face. Either that or politely told you to F off!! For some reason in which i cant believe and cant really fathom at the minute is I am loving writing and just putting down what thoughts are going through my mind. Will this last? I don't know but for the time being I am going with it and enjoying it.

Do i want people knowing my business??? What if the Gaffa or someone at the club doesn't want me to do it??? These are the questions I have asked myself. One thing i realised whilst looking through my twitter page and the comments on this very blog is that what the hell, why not? If it helps me and even just one person it will make me so happy.

I have been blown away by the support and goodwill that has come my way since the news about my injury broke. I never expected so much love and to be honest didn't think I would need it but even now at this very early stage its building a strength and a desire inside of me that I will need to utilise along the way. So once again thankyou all I am sincerely humbled. I have had messages of support from all around the world, messages from old friends, people i have not seen since childhood and every Tom Dick and Harry, i mean that in a nice way! I have had messages from all my old teams fans and these have been very special to me and  I will write about them times at some point. Also I want to say a massive thank you to all the players who have contacted me. There are players who I have never spoke to before sending me goodwill and for me that is a massive boost as its a mutual respect between us and even though at times we are enemies when we play against each other it spells a clear message to me….We are all in the same Football family and even though on the pitch we want to beat eachother at all costs it also shows we are ONE! I have a massive respect for all Professional Footballers no matter what league, as they are my peers and we never want to see people get hurt or go through hard times.

Now, I am the first person to stand up, well hop up and say 'look this isn't the end of the world no one has died here' and as i said in a previous post this blog is not a crusade of self worth. Its about helping myself and others hopefully, who are going through trying times to realise  'NOTHING IS UNBEATABLE IN LIFE AND ONCE WE GET THE MIND AROUND OUR PROBLEMS THEN WE WILL FIGURE OUT THE ANSWERS, IT MAY TAKE A LONG TIME BUT EVENTUALLY IT WILL COME GOOD'…… 

Right back to last night it got to 3 in the morning and there I was still laid on the sofa just staring at the tele not really watching just staring!! Its now 06.20 as I write and I've had some sleep.

I live in a old cottage here in Inverness and as anyone knows old buildings are not the warmest in the winter it's one thing me and my wife have talked about and also laughed about as it gets so cold in here even with the heating on..!!!!(Hot water bottles and thermals are a must in inverness) anyway as I laid here this morning I'm woke by the sound of my two dogs (I have a chocolate labrador and a Maltese ) coming down the stairs and ready for their wee wees in the back garden..a big chocolate nose comes at me and a big lick to the cheek and that's it I'm awake again. As my wife comes down the stairs I hear her in the kitchen and next thing I know as I'm laid half awake/eyes shut still so tired I feel a hot water bottle getting slid under my blanket and also I feel the weight of a duvet getting gently placed over me and then she heads back into the kitchen to get her breakfast and stuff. That is what my wife is all about. She is like a wonder woman. She's got a lot on her plate at the minute with the worry about me and other things that will be playing heavy on her mind but she's just so kind hearted and it's like she's accepted a mission to look after me and do all she can for me and that's just one of many reasons I love her……

As I'm laid here I can't sleep anymore so I turn the tele on. On comes daybreak and there's a young child on with his family I can't quite hear what's been said as I've got the volume on low as my mother in law is still in bed……(Just a quick word on my mother in law Jill…She flew straight up to Inverness from London when hearing the news just so she could come and help with anything she could….. and that people is what i have got in abundance, a family willing to do anything it takes to support me and that is why i know i will kick this injury in the arse and send it on its way) !!! I also have to say all members of my family have offered to come up and see me or offer to help in anyway they can including my Father in law George who has been a massive help over the past few days on the phone.!! In the case of my Mum and Dad and my amazing Sister its not possible due to work commitments but i know that they are desperate to see their boy and im desperate to see them…I will see you and the kids soon! Anyway back to the the boy on my tele..I pick up his parents saying how he has some sort of irreversible condition and they do all sorts for the kids at Xmas and they have doubled their energy bill just so they can decorate their house with lights so he can enjoy it. This Boy has the biggest smile on his face and just looks so happy and I feel myself smiling at the tele, as here I am laid worrying about a knee, which IS going to heal and is going to be good eventually and this Boy is never going to shake his problem and still manages to look so happy, it just fills me with a feeling of 'see Hogg there's always someone worse off than you' . Now I don't know if that's just pure innocence from the Boy but what he gives me in that 2mins he's on my tele is a sense of perspective of hope and of compassion and also inspiration as his smile has just boosted me in so many ways and he will never know…..

As i previously posted earlier these were my exact thoughts at the time of writing at about 11 o clock Monday night . Im being honest and open with it as i think this blog/journal needs that. Also as i go along on my journey i will try and post weekly. I have all this writing from when i started to post so once ive managed to catch up the days hopefully it will be better structured. Im still learning about all this blogging and even twitter so bare with me...

Monday afternoon

Right here it is 4.15 on Monday afternoon and I'm walking (well slowly moving on crutches) through the hospital with my wife trying to find the MRI suite. OK it's down here so as I'm greeted by the great staff there and I go through the door I turn to see my wife taking a seat in the waiting room she just looks at me and I know that face... it's killing her seeing me on crutches and she's just hoping I get good news

So I lay down and in I go….slide into the MRI machine my knee held in place with a brace and the lady says this should take 20mins....headphones on listening to some radio 1 and the noise of the machine begins its not a nice place to be . Anyone that has had a scan will know its an uncomfortable experience where you have to lay completely still for however long it takes and it can feel very claustrophobic but this time it feels weird...my body is relaxed and I don't feel a thing in my knee ,fair does i cant move my knee but you got to have hope. So as I lay there I'm praying that the damage done isn't as bad as what I and the physios fear...I already know its a bad one as on simple tests I already know I've ruptured my MCL(medial collateral ligament) so I know I'll be out for a long while. Im thinking 3 months at this point as im a optimist and even the thought of that is killing me…..In what seems like 10 minutes the scan is done..

Very kindly the person who reads the scans (This is meant as no disrespect but i cant remember your name fully) Mr Millar has very kindly come in whilst he is off work to read the scans..he calls me into the room and instantly by his face and the other people in the room I know it's not good news..he sits me down and runs me through the scan and explains everything in a way only doctors can. I want to thank him for that as his expertise and his bluntness in a way made the point to me in just the way I like it ..straight down the line with no sugar coating! I respect that. Not to bore you with the details but it's the worst case scenario for anyone never mind a footballer...ruptured MCL-torn LCL-torn ACL(cruciate) damage to my cartilage and other bits of damage which are insignificant compared to the major structures I've just named! It seems like I'm looking at someone else's knee on the screen and there's a numbness as the news of the words "I've seen people come back from this" are spoken in a hesitant tone. I just turn around and say "I'll be back there's no doubt it's just a matter of time" the words I'm speaking don't seem real...

As I come out I see my wife. I just say yeah it was ok go get the car and I'll see out the front. as I see her running off  I know she knows what has just happened she just knows. My wife is the most amazing person and we know each other inside out so I know she's trying to be strong for me but I know she's worried..anyway as I hobble outside on my crutches it starts to dawn on me what I've just heard.  I can feel my eyes welling up with tears and I've got thoughts in my head of  'I might not play again'….'What am i going to do'….'Fucking hell this is it'….'surely they read it wrong'...'Its not that bad'….as i thought that last one i went to put all my weight through my  left knee to prove to myself it wasn't that bad. Big Big mistake!!! As i done that i nearly crumpled to the floor outside the hospital if i never still had hold of my crutches i would have been in a heap, my knee wobbled all over the place and the pain was horrendous.!

I jump into the car and tell the mrs it's worst case scenario and she just drives and being the woman she is tries to comfort me with words of 'we will beat this' and 'we will come through anything'.. I pull my hood over my face turning my face away from my wife and start to cry..I'm trying not to let on I'm crying but you know how it is when your crying you can't keep it in im trying to be this big, tough guy and then all of a sudden I just let a yell out and the tears came flooding I was screaming "fucking hell" at the top of my voice and bawling my eyes out . My wife's hand comes across onto my knee and it makes me worse and I let out another cry...Now… that people was the 1st time I have ever cried in front of my wife and I know it hurt her more than anything to see the man she loves cry like a baby! I wish i didnt have to put her through that. I like to think I'm a strong man well I know I'm a STRONG man I will deal with anything that life throws at me and my family and I am my wife's rock as she is mine but that car journey was hard and the worst bit yet is I haven't even told my Mam and Dad yet..Who ever knows me knows that my family are everything to me and my Dad is well my Dad but he's like my best mate and we have a bond that will never break but I know he worries about me at the best of times never mind at a time like this. I know this news of his boy with a smashed up knee and with the prospect of never getting back is gonna kill him!! To make it worse he has just recently given up smoking around 2 and half weeks ago and im so proud of him as he has smoked since he was around 10 years old (must have been the 'cool' thing to do in Middlesbrough at the time. Sorry Fath.ha)so now im hoping i don't drive him back to the fags!

My wife steps up to plate again and when we get home she rings my family to tell them the news as at that time as im in pieces and couldn't face hearing my family upset..I spoke to them later that night!!

For me that initial hour after being told the news its a bad injury and the details of it was the worst I've ever experienced but after that hour or so I said to the mrs right that's it no more tears no more negativity I need to tackle this head on!!

I can deal with the situation to a certain extent. The long lay off , the Pain, the gruelling rehab. I even thrive on the rehab because I'll know I'm on the way back and it's a challenge that's been laid down by god it seems and I know I will give it everything I have to beat it …..

Just a little Foreword before my next post.

By doing this blog/journal I am not looking for any sympathy in anyway. I have had an amazing amount of messages from all kinds of different people and those messages have meant so much to me even at this early stage and that is partly why i am going to share my thoughts. The main reason I am doing this is if my experiences over the coming months can help anyone now or in the future overcome any similar experiences or difficulties in their life then this will be worth it. 

I realise its such an early stage of my journey and hey I don't know how this is going to turn out but one thing i do know is i am going to give it everything ive got to make it go the way I want.....

 Right I don't know where to start but it's Tuesday 13th dec and its been 72 hours since the collision happened. As soon as I felt the impact I knew my knee was "gone". I've never felt anything like that before in my life..I'd like to think I'm good with pain as at times it's been my friend "no pain no gain"and all that , but this pain was different it was a searing heat and an intensity of pain in which I can't describe...even now I'm replaying it in my mind over and over and telling myself "why didn't I just try and tackle with my right foot instead of trying to bring the ball away with the outside of my left"..hindsight would be a beautiful thing right now but I know the damage is done and I've grieved all I can grieve about it and now I know the long road back starts here.....

Saturday Sunday and Monday morning has consisted of me laying with my left leg elevated in a brace on the sofa which the physios at the club(John Mcreadie&Fiona Hogg) gave me to wear just for some protection until I got the scan to determine the damage done. I have got to say here at Inverness the people involved with the club are some of the nicest people you could meet and are 'real salt of the earth people'..anyway I went in to the ground at midday on Monday to see John just so he could see the knee and also I wanted to go in to see the boys..I knew the game didn't go well after I got took off and we lost the match and I knew the boys would be feeling a low so I just wanted to go in and show my face and be part of the dressing room even though my ugly mug probably never done much for morale...on the dressing room it's the best I have had the pleasure of being in..I'm sure the boys won't mind me saying this but I don't mean in the terms of 'calibre of player' if there is such a thing but I mean in Spirit, Honesty ,Trust ,Courage,Humility, Banter and a Togetherness. Now I could have listed so many more cliche words but I mean every single one of them it's a good bunch with the head of the bunch being all that and more but I will go into that later...also johnny Hayes had bought me a nice latte because he knew I was coming in.its things like that which sets this dressing room apart!

1st post

I will hopefully post on a weekly basis in the future but i have just come up with this idea whilst laid contemplating what im going to do over the coming months to keep my mind active..I spent 2 hours earlier today just writing my thoughts into my phone so will post them over the coming days. I hope i can give people a good insight into the gruelling world of football at times and also this is a bit of self therapy in the sense of putting my thoughts into words and it will be good for me to look back on in the future when i beat this injury and come back stronger for this experience physically and mentally.